Ramblings (Part 2 of ???)

 So many things have been going on in my head lately.  I've been coming to the conclusion on some items that I just need to accept the facts and stop living in a dream world.  Like, nobody will love me as much as I love them because non BPD's don't FEEL as much as I do, thus they don't love as much as I do, thus the love I give to others won't be returned as I always hoped that it would. 

I've also come to the conclusion that non BPD's won't get as excited as me about the things that I love, such as gift giving, Christmas, etc.  I get sooooo hyped up and excited buying gifts for those I care about and I look sooooo forward to their reactions, but the reactions I hope for never come.  They never come because, again, the non BPD's don't react as emotionally as I do.  Thus, I am not going to get the reaction that I hope for.  Then, I am let down.  I feel like it was a waste to do what I did, or I say I'm never doing it again because they don't appreciate it.  I know in my heart that they appreciate it, I just wish my head would shut the hell up and listen to my heart more.

I'm 44 years old and still trying to figure out my lot in life.  I don't know that I ever will, although that hopeless romantic and hopeless optimist in me still keeps trying to figure it out.  It just feels hopeless at times.  I recently said that social media and my disorders don't mix and have removed myself from the "everyday" Facebook experience.

I get so deflated when I post items and get no response.
I think social media is a great thing as this allows others to relate to so many more/diverse people in this world, but I also think that social media has spurred on bullying, kidnapping, human trafficking, etc. and has taken it to an ENTIRELY new and un-stoppable level.  I also think it is easier to cheat on someone, to meet others for the thoughts of doing this, to figure out how to "cover" things up, etc, etc, etc.  It is the bane of this current society's existence and I think in as many ways as it makes things easier, it has made things worse in just as many, if not more, especially for someone like myself who needs to have the "reaction" of the likes and comments, etc. or I feel as if nobody cares, that I don't matter, basically that I am worthless. And ever since that post, not one person has asked if I am doing okay or why I did it or anything.  That's when I get to the point of feeling like I have NO friends.  At 44, it's hard to try to find a place to fit in when you feel like there isn't a place in this world for you. 

Everybody already has their families, they already have their divorces and careers and friends, and high school and college friends, work friends, their circle.  I don't have a circle.  I've never been married, Ive never had any children (another dream in life that will never come true), I don't have any pets, I don't have a job, I don't have a car, etc, etc, etc.  The only circle I have is that continuous circle in my head that always makes me teeter totter back and forth to the good and the bad.  I don't know if I will ever find that "grey" area.  I am hoping someday that I will, but if not, I don't know.  I guess I'll do what I am trying to do right now and find a way to live with the "least" amount of hurt.  There is hurt in my life every single day.  I don't think that will ever change, so, trying to find the things that hurt me the least is what I am trying now, thus getting off of Facebook.  People have their own lives to lead, their own families to tend to.

Who in their right mind would want to take on a friend like me, with all of my problems and issues?  Who wants to take that kind of time to learn more about me and how to act/react around me?  If I was younger, I think it would be easier.  I think alot of things would have been easier had I been diagnosed when I was a teenager, when I started cutting.  But, I wasn't so now I just have to deal the hand that was dealt to me.  It's hard, it sucks ASS and almost everyday I wish I didn't have this damn disorder, but it also helps make me the person I am today.  I know I have self esteem issues, but I also know that I have a very caring, giving heart and that's what I need to concentrate on more and remind myself everyday, that I AM WORTH IT!!!