I sometimes wish that those around me could FEEL what it is like to be me, to get inside my head and really FEEL what is it like to be me, to suffer with the BPD and the PTSD and Depression coupled with all of the physical issues. Just one day. It's so hard to try to explain to someone what it is like. Many people just make assumptions based on what they see. They don't ask questions, they just assume. They say they are there for you, but then as soon as you start talking about the dark side of things, everyone seems to disappear.
Social media, as I keep finding out time and time again, is not a place for someone who suffers from BPD. The rejection on it brings back all of the feelings of not fitting in my entire life.
I've been on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram more recently than usual as I have been speaking out about my friend Rachel who passed away a few weeks ago. She was a high school classmate, and her passing brought back all of those feelings of "not fitting in" that I felt ALL through school from day one. (I had few friends back then and the same goes for now, so losing Rachel has hit me extremely hard) I was bullied throughout my school years. I was a geek who was shy and sensitive (little did I know HOW sensitive or the reasoning behind it until well into my 30s). From 6th grade on, I grew up with my 1 sister and 5 brothers and we didn't have much money, thus another reason to feel like I didn't fit in. If there had been social media back then like there is today, I probably would have been one of those who ended up committing suicide. I started cutting in high school and the summer I graduated is when I started smoking and drinking. I still smoke to this day and my drinking has been the cause of MANY problems in my life.
So, shortly after graduation at the age of 17, I already had 3 lousy coping mechanisms in my arsenal and I have returned to each one of those time and time and time again in my life. Later I on I also added gambling, binge eating, binge drinking, promiscuity and binge spending to my list.
I've been very depressed since the fundraiser for Rachel ended (I was co-hosting it with another HS alumn). It feels like my purpose is gone. Rachel was my purpose and now she's gone. Rachel was my friend and now she is gone. Now I grieve, and grieve, and grieve. I grieve for Rachel and Bob and the kids, I grieve for my dad, for Sergeant Finch...I grieve over and over again for those that I have already grieved for. Why is that? That's the BPD that people don't understand. We FEEL so much more intensely than others do. And on top of that, it's either ALL good or ALL bad (black and white thinking). We don't know what grey is. So, if it's something good we are not just happy, we are euphoric, ecstatic, like a 2 year old at Christmas. And opposite that, when things are bad, we are not just sad, we are devastated, destroyed....So, death is a trigger for me and with BPD, they describe it as akin to a third degree burn patient.
Every time we are triggered, it doesn't just take us back to the event and remembering detail, it takes us back to the FEELINGS we felt during that event. It's like reliving the FEELINGS of that event over and over and over again. Every time we are triggered back to that event it peels back the skin and its just like the wound is fresh all over again. So in essence, I am living in the present, but with all the feelings of my past. It also brought me back to my old coping mechanisms that I used in the past when my dad passed away and Sergeant Finch was killed. Most people say it's in the past, get over it, get past it. Well guess what? I CAN'T!! I get the luxury of reliving my past over and over and over and over again with absolutely NO CONTROL over it!!!! That's one of the things that people have a hard time understanding is that we have NO CONTROL over it. Our brain is wired differently then others. It doesn't function like most people's. We LITERALLY have to re-wire our brain to get better.
I've known about the BPD for about 6 years now. I spent one year in denial, then researching, seeing therapists, medication (there is no medication for BPD, only meds to treat the symptoms that accompany it, but nothing to treat the root cause of it). I've been to many therapists and belong to support groups on-line, bought books and workbooks...It takes time, ALOT and I mean ALOT of time to find the right therapist, the right medications, the right type of therapy that is going to work for you. And then, it's the years of trying to work through your trauma and "re-wire" your brain. And then on top of that, the more co-occurring conditions you have (substance abuse, drug abuse, gambling, other mental illnesses), the longer it takes. Thus, the dark posts when I get depressed. Wouldn't you get tired and frustrated and exhausted having to relive the hardest times in your life over and over again, day in and day out and the feelings each and every one brought with them???
Now, try to function in the "normal" world feeling this way, it kinda sucks ass!!! I've developed social anxiety over the past few years, my PTSD has triggered me not to be able to be around fireworks, loud noises, large groups, etc. It's an extremely damaging, devastating, lonely illness for those who suffer from it. I'm not going to sugar coat it anymore, I'm done with that. People/society need to start understanding how debilitating this disorder is. BPD has the highest suicide statistics over any other mental illness. 10% of those with BPD commit suicide. Read my past posts, read my future posts and you will get an idea why.
That's why I always talk about people needing to read the signs. If they start to post more dark or depressing stuff, withdrawing, acting out, cutting, etc. those are all signs. We do this in the hopes that someone will reach out to us, that someone will actually see these signs and CARE...it gives us validation when someone reaches out, it gives us hope and when they don't reach out, to us, it just confirms that we are worthless just like we thought we were.... again, there is NOTHING we can do about it because we CAN'T CONTROL our emotions or the way our rollercoaster of a brain operates until we have a support system, tools, therapy under our belt. It's a long process, sometimes a never ending process, alot of hard work, alot of grief, extremely emotional and without that support and validation that we crave, it can turn out to be an extremely lonely process and existence. As I have said time and time again on many different subjects, it only takes ONE...One person to reach out, one person to say a kind word, one person to make a simple gesture, one person who wants to try to understand...That ONE person can make all the difference in the life of any person who is suffering....
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