It's hard to try to describe what a day in the life is like for myself because no two days are ever the same, no two hours are ever the same, no two minutes are ever the same. With the roller coaster I live on daily, I never know how I am going to feel from second to second, I never know what kind of physical pain I am going to awake to and have to struggle with for the day. I can have all the plans in the world made for that day, but if I wake up and can't move my neck or my shoulder is throbbing or weak or my back is jacked up again or my stomach is on the fritz or I am so damn tired because I didn't sleep at all then those plans get thrown out the window.
I try, I try every single day to do something or stick to my plans, it just seems that it keeps getting harder and harder or I get exhausted more easily. I want to have a "stable" life and a daily routine, I'm just having problems at this particular time trying to achieve the success of that. I'm not sure where to start because I keep getting overwhelmed at what "life" is throwing at me. Something always seems to come up or I just don't have the energy to put into it.
I guess part of it is I am STILL having a hard time accepting my limitations. I filed for disability in 2010 and have not worked since then. 7 years. It doesn't seem like that long, but at times it seems like forever. I hate that I don't work. At least when I worked I felt I had some sense of identity. Now, I just kind of float from one day to the next hoping that something will "pop" and I will feel better about that. So far, not so much, lol 😖. My writing on this blog and my Pinterest and Instagram (I am on both under BorderlineBroad) seem to be taking on a new meaning for me and I have been writing (poetry) more than I have been, so I am going with that right now to see where that takes me. It's just frustrating to not know where your place in this world is.
I have always wanted a family, children, a career, etc and none of those will ever come to fruition for me. I am not able to have children anymore and was never blessed with that when I was younger. I still hold resentment and anger towards that, but to a point I also understand because I would not have been able to handle a child if my life had played out as it has. I understand that, but it still doesn't make the hurt of never becoming a mother any less painful for me. I've never been married either and that is another spot of hurt and pain in my life. My father passed away over 14 years ago so I will never have the "dream" wedding of my childhood fantasies as my one wish was to have him walk me down the aisle. If a wedding ever does happen in my future, it will be small (it has to be as my social anxiety will not allow me to have a big wedding, lol 😜) and intimate and on a beach somewhere. My dad will be there in spirit as butterflies will be part of the "motif".
I just sit here on days like today, cold and dreary outside, and it makes me reflect on all that is lost or is not to be. I have to watch that as it is very easy for me to slip back into the darkness on days like today. That is something I have been working on to NOT allow that to happen.
I am trying to put time limits on the "things" that I tend to get lost in. I downloaded a few new apps I am trying out for BPD and medications and a diary/journal. I am trying to find ways to occupy my time more outside of the "internet" world and work on "my" world and myself. Self-Care, something I had never really thought about before all of these issues arose in my life. Something that is still hard for me to concentrate on. I am one of those always trying to do for others, caring for others, looking out for others and concentrating on myself to me seems selfish. Now, I would NEVER preach that to anyone else because I think self-care is a NECESSITY in everyone's life, not just those suffering from an illness, but the fact is that those suffering need to make sure even more that they concentrate on self-care. I am one of those that don't practice what they preach and that is something I need to work on. I guess that's just a sign of what I see as my self worth, which is not much, but that too is also getting better I am hoping that is why I am starting to do these other things such as the apps, watching/trying to change my diet, etc. I need to realize that I AM WORTH IT just like everyone else.
I need to take care of myself if I am going to help others, right??
So, on that note, I think my time allotment is up on the computer at this moment (ok, I'm about 7 minutes over, lol) so it is time to take my meds (my phone just buzzed, hee hee) and work on my next To Do item. It's a slow process, and it is going to be long, but I just have to remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is one step closer than I was yesterday. It's one step closer to my future, one step closer in recovery, one step closer to freedom 😁 Celebrate ALL your successes, no matter how big or small. It doesn't matter the size, they all matter, just like WE all matter. Keep on keeping on my friends!! 😎
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