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| Welcome to BPD |
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), along with a host of other issues. Right now, it's the middle of winter and I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and it's rearing it's ugly head. I feel like the most unwanted person in the world right now. I feel like nobody cares enough to check on me, I feel like nobody cares about the effort I put into projects for them or gifts, I feel left out and in a world of a gazillion people, I feel like there is nobody who understands me, or even
wants to.....I make every one's life harder because of my emotional dis-regulation and impulsive emotional reactions. I suck. That's how I feel right now, that I suck, I fit in nowhere, I make every one's life more complicated when I am in it and everybody would be better off without me. Don't feel like I'd really be missed anyway. I have never found my lot in life. I keep trying, but whenever it seems to get close, BOOM, something happens and it's back to the drawing board, or coloring book in my case, LOL.....Hi, my name is Debra and I am an Adult Colorer, 😎. Thank God for that at least, the coloring has taken the place of cutting at the moment so, YAY for Gel Pens and coloring books that say FUCK in them!!!!! 📚✐🙌😀
It's such a hard life, bearing this burden. The emotional inadequacy, the NO self esteem (we passed Low a long time ago),the jealousy. OMG, the jealousy is going to ruin my relationship!!! I knew Iwas a jealous person in large part due to my insecurities, but Holy Crap Batman!!😲 I've been in this relationship for almost three years and i get jealous if he even looks at another woman, let alone a smoking hot one that i will never be. I feel lost, lonely, ugly, unwanted, used, pretty much just feel like a burden to everyone around me and this earth. I'm wasted space. I've done nothing with my life, I have nothing to show for it,, I've never found my place here on earth. Don't get me wrong, i don't want to die, but sometimes I can't help but think, Why am I living??
So, if you re-read the above paragraph or two, you see it goes from one thing to another to another to another in quick succession. This, my dear people, is my life. This is my brain. It's like a hamster in a exercise wheel that keeps going round and round and round and there is no end in sight!! Then add the fact that it feels like the damn hamster is on Steroids and ...Voila!...Me!!! I should warn people when I meet them to Fasten their seat belts, its going to be a bumpy ride!!! 🎢
The Rollercoaster 🎢 is the best word to describe what it feels like. Except, on a rollercoaster, you know that there is an end in sight in a minute or two. I have no end in sight. I have no way to get off except for suicide. Thus the extremely high statistics of Borderlines who successfully commit suicide. I've thought about it. I've tried it. I still think about it. It's hard not to give in at times. I think one thing that keeps me going is realizing that I am an extremely strong person to be where I am right now with everything I have to deal with (we will get in to the "LIST" later , lol) and not weak as everyone has suspected all of these years. The problem with that is trying to convince myself
every single day that this is true. People don't realize how i struggle every single minute of every single day on who i am, my self -esteem. I've become very adept at hiding EVERYTHING and going on like life is normal when I am around people. Ha!! Normal....What the hell does that mean? Sometimes I like to think that I am the one that is "Normal" and everyone else is fucked up!! (LOL, it's fun!! 😁😎😈😁)
Then there is the other problem which just occurred when I tried to type this next sentence. I couldn't remember what i was going to type or where I was going with my thought. I go from starting to talk about one thing to another to another to another that I regularly forget what the hell I started talking about to begin with or where I was going with it. I have short term memory loss, and some sort of long term memory loss or amnesia as most of my life is pretty much wiped out. I can remember some things here and there, but usually not in any detail, except of course for the bad things. Those I can remember in extreme detail ,thus the nightmares and insomnia!!! I've hardly slept in three weeks and nothing is seeming to help 😪😪 My boyfriend keeps wondering how the hell i do it. I honestly have no freaking clue!!! Like everything else, I just do.
