Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Ramblings (Part 2 of ???)



 So many things have been going on in my head lately.  I've been coming to the conclusion on some items that I just need to accept the facts and stop living in a dream world.  Like, nobody will love me as much as I love them because non BPD's don't FEEL as much as I do, thus they don't love as much as I do, thus the love I give to others won't be returned as I always hoped that it would. 
I've also come to the conclusion that non BPD's won't get as excited as me about the things that I love, such as gift giving, Christmas, etc.  I get sooooo hyped up and excited buying gifts for those I care about and I look sooooo forward to their reactions, but the reactions I hope for never come.  They never come because, again, the non BPD's don't react as emotionally as I do.  Thus, I am not going to get the reaction that I hope for.  Then, I am let down.  I feel like it was a waste to do what I did, or I say I'm never doing it again because they don't appreciate it.  I know in my heart that they appreciate it, I just wish my head would shut the hell up and listen to my heart more.

I'm 44 years old and still trying to figure out my lot in life.  I don't know that I ever will, although that hopeless romantic and hopeless optimist in me still keeps trying to figure it out.  It just feels hopeless at times.  I recently said that social media and my disorders don't mix and have removed myself from the "everyday" Facebook experience.
I get so deflated when I post items and get no response.
I think social media is a great thing as this allows others to relate to so many more/diverse people in this world, but I also think that social media has spurred on bullying, kidnapping, human trafficking, etc. and has taken it to an ENTIRELY new and un-stoppable level.  I also think it is easier to cheat on someone, to meet others for the thoughts of doing this, to figure out how to "cover" things up, etc, etc, etc.  It is the bane of this current society's existence and I think in as many ways as it makes things easier, it has made things worse in just as many, if not more, especially for someone like myself who needs to have the "reaction" of the likes and comments, etc. or I feel as if nobody cares, that I don't matter, basically that I am worthless. And ever since that post, not one person has asked if I am doing okay or why I did it or anything.  That's when I get to the point of feeling like I have NO friends.  At 44, it's hard to try to find a place to fit in when you feel like there isn't a place in this world for you. 
Everybody already has their families, they already have their divorces and careers and friends, and high school and college friends, work friends, their circle.  I don't have a circle.  I've never been married, Ive never had any children (another dream in life that will never come true), I don't have any pets, I don't have a job, I don't have a car, etc, etc, etc.  The only circle I have is that continuous circle in my head that always makes me teeter totter back and forth to the good and the bad.  I don't know if I will ever find that "grey" area.  I am hoping someday that I will, but if not, I don't know.  I guess I'll do what I am trying to do right now and find a way to live with the "least" amount of hurt.  There is hurt in my life every single day.  I don't think that will ever change, so, trying to find the things that hurt me the least is what I am trying now, thus getting off of Facebook.  People have their own lives to lead, their own families to tend to.
Who in their right mind would want to take on a friend like me, with all of my problems and issues?  Who wants to take that kind of time to learn more about me and how to act/react around me?  If I was younger, I think it would be easier.  I think alot of things would have been easier had I been diagnosed when I was a teenager, when I started cutting.  But, I wasn't so now I just have to deal the hand that was dealt to me.  It's hard, it sucks ASS and almost everyday I wish I didn't have this damn disorder, but it also helps make me the person I am today.  I know I have self esteem issues, but I also know that I have a very caring, giving heart and that's what I need to concentrate on more and remind myself everyday, that I AM WORTH IT!!!

Monday, April 17, 2017

The Insomnia Monster



 It's 6:22 am and I have already been awake for over 2 hours. Grrrrrrr.  The night before this I only got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep TOTAL.  Sometimes I fall asleep again in the morning, other days I'm up from the middle of the night on.  I've tried medications, done a sleep lab, home testing, etc.  and still have yet to figure how how to sleep normally again, lol.  Sometimes there are reasons, such as the nightmares.  If I awake and remember a nightmare I was having, I'm scared to go back to sleep thinking that I'll be sucked back into it.  Other times it's the pain in my neck and shoulders to where I can't find any position that is comfortable to sleep in.  Other times it's because the meds didn't work for my RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and when that doesn't work I am up ALL night and usually crying and throwing things by morning because of the pain and exhaustion.  Then there is when I am overly tired and all I want to do is sleep, but it just never happens.
I've tried different meds (prescribed and Over the Counter) and nothing has truly helped.  The medication I was on from my psychiatrist ended up being a NIGHTMARE!!!!  I lived by myself in an apartment at the time and the medication made me so woozy and dizzy-like that I would smoke in the middle of the night and not know it.  I used to wake up to cigarettes burned into the carpeting ALL OF THE TIME!!! Then one night, I woke up to flames, yes FLAMES, in front of my face.  Evidently a cigarette dropped onto my blanket on the runner and burned through the blanket, through the runner and then through the carpeting and insulation underneath when i caught it.  Well, needless to say, I stopped that medication.  The funny (well, not so funny) thing is, that I was only on 1 of those pills and my psychiatrist told me I could take up to 3 of them AT ONE TIME!!!  Shit, I'd probably burn down the city if I took three of those things at one time!!!! I told him about it and yet he still didn't take me off of it (WTF?? Really??) so I weened myself off of it and am now totally scared to try any type of prescription sleep aid.

So, now that I can't go back to sleep, my brain decides to have fun with me and in the middle of the night, it's the monsters that tend to come out. Reflection, memories, usually the bad ones are the ones that visit me during the night. 
I actually do a lot of my writing of this blog in the middle of the night because that is what seems to keep rolling around up there.  Most people might be thinking of what they have to do the next day or what time to pick up the kids or what they need to get at the store.  Is that what my brain does? Hell no!! My brain wants to reflect and think about all of the bad things that have happened and relive them over and over and over again.  It wants to bring up the old feelings and new ones.  It wants to concentrate on my mistakes.  It wants to remind me of what a waste my life has been.  It wants to torture me with ALL of this.  And then sometimes I'm scared to go back to sleep because I'm afraid that the thoughts will turn into nightmares.  Then when I wake up, the nightmares turn into panic/anxiety attacks. Its just a vicious cycle that seems like it never wants to end, no matter what I try.  I just want to sleep again.  I want to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.  I want to sleep more than three or four hours a night (sometimes less).  I don't want to be up for 3-6 hours in the middle of the night ALONE.  Alone with my monsters.  Alone with myself.

It's scary at times what runs through my mind, even to me.  It's also confusing and frustrating.  And tiring, OMG, I always feel like I am exhausted.  Every day is like that, it just depends on whether it is going to be mild or major. 
More than once I have almost fallen asleep while driving.  I've pulled over before to rest my eyes because I was afraid of falling asleep at the wheel.  Luckily I don't have the car everyday, but on the days  I do it's mentally and physically exhausting because I have to get up so early to get my boyfriend to work (we only have 1 car) and sometimes I'm up from 2 or 3 in the morning on and right when I want to go back to sleep is when we have to get up.  I have actually stopped seeing a lot of my specialists, I am not doing physical therapy and counseling because I can't borrow the car that many times during the week.  Going through 1 day with the car sometimes feels like a 40 hour work week to me an takes me days to get back to what is considered "my normal".  I'm sure anxiety plays a nice part in it too.  That and my PTSD.

PTSD and BPD overlap in people a lot (not always and is not required to have one to have the other), but between the triggers and the nightmares, these diseases don't want to see me sleep.
I live on Mountain Dew on days I have to do things which is not good either because I've gained a lot of weight this past winter.  I actually just got put on Oxygen while I sleep so we will have to see if that helps at all (so far not really, just burns my nose, lol). Then with my physical issues along with my mental issues, it SUCKS!!!!  Then there is the binge eating in the middle of the night which I am sure has caused some weight issues and that is something that is getting better, but again, I don't always remember doing it until I find wrappers or food laying around the next morning.  Uggggggg!!!!!!!  Now on top of that, I have anxiety of dying in my sleep.  My doctor told me that whatever they were measuring drops during the night (quite often) and that I could possibly have a heart attack.  And that scares me even more because my dad died of a heart attack.  So then if I wake up and even something doesn't feel right, I'm scared to go back to sleep for fear of dying.

It just seems like my entire life is turing into a life of fear.  I had a tire that flew off the car while I was driving down the highway last summer and I had to get over two lanes of traffic and an entrance ramp to get to the shoulder.  Have no clue how I did it without hitting anybody, but I did.  I actually thought I just had a tire that went flat until the truck showed up to help me and he said the tire was GONE!!!  He found it a ways back and it had gone over all those lanes of traffic, down a ravine, over a small creek, literally sliced through a fence and finally came to a stop in front of a tree.  He said he had never seen anything like it. 
So, needless to say, panic attacks have ensued since then (and still do) about driving because I am so scared of that or something worse happening again.  Then probably throughout the last few months, I have almost hit 6 deer and yesterday almost hit a coyote.  WTH?????  The deer a few weeks ago, I actually veered in between both of them and didn't hit either of them, again, I have no idea how. I do get scared alot easier driving now and there are certain places that I just won't drive, but I don't want to let my fears control my life.  I am probably WAAAAYYY over protective and OCD now though about making sure car doors are locked, house doors are always locked, windows are locked, (those are all from my PTSD and past abuse that I have the fear of that happening again), etc.  I don't want these fears to control my life so I try (not always successfully) to keep plugging through them and using some tools to calm my anxiety, but my panic/anxiety attacks are definitely on the rise lately.

So, if anybody has any suggestions, I would be more than willing to listen.  Until then, I guess I'll just keep writing and sleep when I'm dead I guess, right?  lol.....


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Shadows of the Night

 

As I wrote in my previous post: Music Saved My Life, I said that I was working on a poem that was sparked by Daughtry and his song Rescue Me.  It was sparked by that song, but all of Daughtry's songs, lyrics, etc. have had a profound effect on changing/saving my life and on NOT making me one of the 10% statistics of those who successfully commit suicide that suffer from BPD.  I've tried before (more than once, as about 60-80% of those with BPD have also) and can't guarantee I won't again, but I have more HOPE now than I ever have before.  I also have more support and tools since coming out with my blog and being more open about my disorders and illnesses. I continue to research and learn more about them, and about myself, everyday.  I am a "Recovery In Process" (my new meaning for R.I.P.) and am thankful to ALL of those who have helped Rescue Me. So, here it is:

The blazing magenta of the sun's nightly exit casts bleak shadows on my already clouded mind;
 impending struggle poking and prodding at my tattered soul
Inner demons swirling around my emotions, like a school of sharks ready to feast
The hellish monsters clank their evilness inside the virtually empty glass,
 sliding easily down my parched throat, with their stinging touch and acid-like smugness
The metallic, crimson stained blade casting shadows of imminent gloom upon my already darkening wall; reality quickly fading into the distance

A muffled sound penetrates my hazy, intoxicated filled thoughts
It escalates
It's gripping, raspy, hypnotic
It pulls at me, yanking at my tear stained eyes to open, to notice them

The shadows
Dancing shadows on my wall
These life-like mesmerizing shadows
Swaying methodically to the beat of that deep, dark raspy rhythm

No longer do I heed the vision of the crimson blade tap, tap, tapping on my veins
Instead I sit mesmerized, spell bound, in a trance-like state,
  drawn into this shadowy dance layering my wall, my head with such distraction and amazement    
It's my invitation into their world             
  my invitation to get lost                                                            
  my invitation to be a part of their dance

If only for a few hours, minutes or fleeting seconds, the shadows, they dance with me
  they dance beside me
  they become a part of me
Intertwining souls; tangling lives
Dancing across the cyclonic waves of that raspy, trance-like music as one

They are my lifeboat, my buoy; my saving grace
  these shadows who so get me;
My captivating, intoxicating, mind numbing shadows
  dancing through the night to         Rescue Me.

By: DAB 03/31/2017