Thursday, August 24, 2017

A Day in the Life (kinda, with rambling, lol)

It's hard to try to describe what a day in the life is like for myself because no two days are ever the same, no two hours are ever the same, no two minutes are ever the same.  With the roller coaster I live on daily, I never know how I am going to feel from second to second, I never know what kind of physical pain I am going to awake to and have to struggle with for the day.  I can have all the plans in the world made for that day, but if I wake up and can't move my neck or my shoulder is throbbing or weak or my back is jacked up again or my stomach is on the fritz or I am so damn tired because I didn't sleep at all then those plans get thrown out the window. 
I try, I try every single day to do something or stick to my plans, it just seems that it keeps getting harder and harder or I get exhausted more easily.  I want to have a "stable" life and a daily routine, I'm just having problems at this particular time trying to achieve the success of that.  I'm not sure where to start because I keep getting overwhelmed at what "life" is throwing at me.  Something always seems to come up or I just don't have the energy to put into it. 

I guess part of it is I am STILL having a hard time accepting my limitations.  I filed for disability in 2010 and have not worked since then.  7 years.  It doesn't seem like that long, but at times it seems like forever.  I hate that I don't work.  At least when I worked I felt I had some sense of identity.  Now, I just kind of float from one day to the next hoping that something will "pop" and I will feel better about that.  So far, not so much, lol πŸ˜–.  My writing on this blog and my Pinterest and Instagram (I am on both under BorderlineBroad) seem to be taking on a new meaning for me and I have been writing (poetry) more than I have been, so I am going with that right now to see where that takes me.  It's just frustrating to not know where your place in this world is.
I have always wanted a family, children, a career, etc and none of those will ever come to fruition for me.  I am not able to have children anymore and was never blessed with that when I was younger.  I still hold resentment and anger towards that, but to a point I also understand because I would not have been able to handle a child if my life had played out as it has.  I understand that, but it still doesn't make the hurt of never becoming a mother any less painful for me.  I've never been married either and that is another spot of hurt and pain in my life.  My father passed away over 14 years ago so I will never have the "dream" wedding of my childhood fantasies as my one wish was to have him walk me down the aisle.  If a wedding ever does happen in my future, it will be small (it has to be as my social anxiety will not allow me to have a big wedding, lol 😜) and intimate and on a beach somewhere.  My dad will be there in spirit as butterflies will be part of the "motif". 

I just sit here on days like today, cold and dreary outside, and it makes me reflect on all that is lost or is not to be.  I have to watch that as it is very easy for me to slip back into the darkness on days like today.  That is something I have been working on to NOT allow that to happen. 
I am trying to put time limits on the "things" that I tend to get lost in.  I downloaded a few new apps I am trying out for BPD and medications and a diary/journal.  I am trying to find ways to occupy my time more outside of the "internet" world and work on "my" world and myself.  Self-Care, something I had never really thought about before all of these issues arose in my life.  Something that is still hard for me to concentrate on.  I am one of those always trying to do for others, caring for others, looking out for others and concentrating on myself to me seems selfish.  Now, I would NEVER preach that to anyone else because I think self-care is a NECESSITY in everyone's life, not just those suffering from an illness, but the fact is that those suffering need to make sure even more that they concentrate on self-care.  I am one of those that don't practice what they preach and that is something I need to work on.  I guess that's just a sign of what I see as my self worth, which is not much, but that too is also getting better  I am hoping that is why I am starting to do these other things such as the apps, watching/trying to change my diet, etc.  I need to realize that I AM WORTH IT just like everyone else. 
I need to take care of myself if I am going to help others, right??

So, on that note, I think my time allotment is up on the computer at this moment (ok, I'm about 7 minutes over, lol) so it is time to take my meds (my phone just buzzed, hee hee) and work on my next To Do item.   It's a slow process, and it is going to be long, but I just have to remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is one step closer than I was yesterday.  It's one step closer to my future, one step closer in recovery, one step closer to freedom 😁  Celebrate ALL your successes, no matter how big or small.  It doesn't matter the size, they all matter, just like WE all matter.  Keep on keeping on my friends!! 😎

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Friends (or the lack therof) & BPD

I never realized before why I couldn't sustain friendships.  The more I learn about my disorders, especially the BPD, the more I understand the pitfalls of trying to sustain any type of relationship.  I feel like I need to have my friends know about my disorders so that they can understand if I can't control my reaction to something, get upset easily, cancel on them, have a panic attack, etc., but on the flip side, I don't want to go into detail and bore the crap out of them and also I never know how somebody is going to react to my illness(es). 
 Some freak out, some "assume" they know about it when they really don't, some just phase me out and others just flat out leave.   So, I find myself spending much of my time alone.  The better part of my life is actually spent that way.  Which, in reality, is not a good thing because with the fact that my "brain" won't shut off, I think too much, overanalyze too much and I'm sure talk myself out of some of my friendships.  I don't mean to and I don't want to, but I CAN'T help it.  I have very low self-esteem (always have and probably always will), but I can at least mask that with jokes and sarcasm or alcohol in public and then I deal with the pain of it in the darkness, just me and my monsters.  They visit me often, the monsters in my head. 
They make me feel stupid, worthless, alone, fat, ugly, un-wanted, un-loved, ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. etc. etc.  No matter how much I work at things, the monsters always seem to find a way back into my head, into my life and I am so hoping that my new Psychologist will be able to help me slay those monsters one by one.

I was always shy when I was younger (at least I thought it was just shyness, but now realize it is also hypersensitivity due in part to my BPD and Social Anxiety Disorder) and I used to get picked on and bullied through my school years.  I was an easy target, I assumed, because I didn't fight back.  Now, I am just the polar opposite.  If someone hurts me, they will know it and they will no longer be a part of my life.  I've finally had enough of that and realize that I don't deserve to be treated in that manner.  I'M DONE!!! You hurt me, you can fuck off and die for all I care.  I wish I could find the "grey" area in this subject matter, but I am not at that point in my recovery process yet.  Everything to me is still Black or White.  The only difference now is that instead of being so incredibly shy, I will tell explode at someone if they are making fun of myself or ANYONE with a mental illness, or those who make fun of  RAPE, or those who degrade people for not getting out of an abusive relationship, etc. 
If you have no first hand experience of any of these, then you just need to keep your damn mouth shut!!!!  If anyone EVER touches me again or tries to hurt me physically again I will do anything AND everything in my power to defend myself in any and all ways possible because I won't tolerate it ANYMORE!!!!  I know that's not the right attitude or socially acceptable response, but seeing as how I have never felt accepted by society, that part shouldn't matter, right??  Unfortunately, it still does matter.  Because, thanks to my BPD, I don't want to hurt anyone either.  And when I lose a friend, it's that feeling of rejection or worthlessness, even if I am the one doing the dumping.  So, no matter what I do, it ALWAYS seems like I am fighting a losing battle.

Then there is social media which I think is a great thing as this allows others to relate to so many more/diverse people in this world, but I also think that social media has spurred on bullying, kidnapping, human trafficking, etc. and has taken it to an ENTIRELY new and un-stoppable level.  I also think it is easier to cheat on someone, to meet others for the thoughts of doing this, to figure out how to "cover" things up, etc, etc, etc.  It is the bane of this current society's existence and I think in as many ways as it makes things easier, it has made things worse in just as many ways, if not more. And for someone with my disorders, there is the now 24/7 public threat of humiliation as opposed to just during the day (school, work, etc.) My biggest problem is Facebook.
When I post and get NO likes or comments, it hurts me to the core. It makes me feel not valued, not heard, not liked, not wanted, a burden, etc. It's the ULTIMATE invalidation that sends me on a rollercoaster ride every time I post. I'm working on that and my response to that, but just like my psychologist reiterated to me the other day, it's going to be a long, slow process. Until that time, I think I am going to get off of Facebook and stick with Instagram, Pinterest and my blog here as that is where I get the most response and feel the most understood; the ones who do not know me give me more support than those that actually do most of the time. 

So, that puts me back to I keep trying. I don't think I will ever stop trying to have friends in my life (the ever hopping between black and white thinking), I just hope that I can build my self confidence and self esteem up enough to where the good days start outweighing the bad.
It still hurts ALOT when I don't get comments or plans are changed or cancelled by someone because I take that as them rejecting me, but I'm not going to give up HOPE!!! I sincerely hope that you won't give up on that or yourself either. If you are reading this, you made it through another day and God still has plans for you πŸ˜‰

Keep fighting the good fight!! You are a survivor and always know, you have a friend in meπŸ’“

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Invalidation, Coping, TN, Etc.

I just wanted to share a few of my posts that I have made on Facebook the past few weeks.  They touch on various topics such as Not fitting in, Coping, Invalidation, Trigeminal Neuralgia, etc.  The physical issues that can go along with the mental illnesses actually astounded me.  Little did I know, but have discovered through my research, that many of my physical issues may have been caused due to my mental illnesses.  I have also posted about the invalidation of being ignored on Facebook when I post about anything to do with my disorders/illnesses, etc. I am not going to touch on all of them in this post, but want to touch on a few I have written recently. I hope that all of you out there who are fellow sufferers may find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggle and that there are people out there who "get it". Take one day, one hour, one minute at a time and keep on fighting the good fight. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!  (I am also on Pinterest under BorderlineBroad and on Instagram under borderlinebroad)

Trigeminal Neuralgia - AKA The Suicide Disease - 08/12/17
Trigeminal Neuralgia (AKA The Suicide Disease)...Have you ever heard of it? Most people haven't and that included myself until about 14 years ago.

I started having sharp, shooting, stabbing pains on the right side of my face radiating from my head to my eye, down my cheek to my ear and then down through my jawline. 
THE ABSOLUTE WORST PAIN IMAGINABLE TO A HUMAN BEING!! This is why it's called the SUICIDE DISEASE. Unfortunately, for the longest 10+ months of my life, none of the doctors I saw knew that this is what I had. I went to my own doctor several times (she kept telling me it was my teeth, but I knew the pain was different than my pain from that, which is why I always say you need to be your own advocate because doctors are NOT always right), other doctors, specialists, several Urgent Cares, several ER visits, etc and still was in the worst pain of my life. It took one final visit to a different ER, another MRI of my head, another We Don't Know diagnosis by the doctor and then finally the nurse checking me out asked me a few questions and told me to get to a Neurologist ASAP!! She only knew because she had it also at a very young age which is why it was never looked at before because they thought I was too young to have it!! Within 5 minutes at the Neurologist I was diagnosed with it and after another few months and 3 different meds I finally found some relief from this debilitating disorder.

Before the diagnosis, however, I almost became one of the statistics. 26% of those suffering from TN committ suicide and I know exactly why. I was given every type of pain med imaginable and NONE of them even touched the pain (anti-seizure meds are what work, pain meds won't do a thing for this type of pain).
I started mixing alcohol with the pain meds, I would scream, cry uncontrollably, throw things at the wall, dig my fingernails into myself, cut myself, anything to try to divert the pain. It would come out of nowhere and last from hours to days at a time each time I had a flare. It's like constant electric shocks to the face or like being struck by lightening over and over again. I prayed to God on more than one occasion to end my life and also tried to do so myself. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, EVER!!
It's hard to pinpoint why you get this, but we figured that is was probably caused due to the trauma of my dad's sudden death about a month before my symptoms started (many of my other health problems also began around this time). It usually only occurs on one side of your face, only about 3% get it on both..guess who ended up being part of the 3%? (Go big or go home, right?)

It is under much better control nowadays, but I still do get flares, luckily most don't last as long as they used to, but the pain is just as excruciating as before.
I wonder all the time why I am still alive and I still am not sure of that answer, but I often wonder if is to help educate and bring awareness to these numerous, debilitating disorders/illnesses I have. This thought is what has kept me going recently and what keeps me speaking out for those who can't.

Having any type of invisible illness is a very lonely existence and it's even worse for those like myself who suffer from several (BPD, CPTSD, Fibro, RLS, IBS, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Depression, Chronic Pain, DDD, Chronic Fatigue, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc). Please don't judge us until you have all of the facts. Our life is unbearable as it is and we need the compassion and support of those around us. We didn't ask for any of this, please don't make us suffer more than we already do.

 The Pain of Being Ignored/Not Validated/Feeling Like an Outsider - 08/09/17

You know, I post about my Borderline (BPD) and rarely ever get a response (especially a question) of any kind. To me, that is an invalidation and hurts me to the core.
I feel like nobody cares, like nobody will EVER care about me or what I go through every single day (The extreme black and white thinking of BPD). I get it that everybody has their own lives and who the hell wants to know about something so dark and damaging and scary?? I sure as hell don't, but unfortunately I have no choice in the matter and I'm the one that has to live and feel like I'm some sort of freakish side show in this game called Life. I'm the one that hides my feelings, I'm the one that is scared by my own mind, I'm the one who is OCD about making sure the doors are always locked and the drapes are always closed, I'm the one who can't sleep at night fearful that the monsters will terrorize my mind when I'm all alone, I'm the one who drinks to forget, the one who slices her skin open to punish herself for her mistakes or to let out the volcano of emotions about ready to erupt inside, I'm the one everybody thinks is attention seeking when all I'm looking for is validation and understanding and acceptance.
I'm the one who has to live with a mind that won't shut off EVER!! I'm the one people don't understand. I'm the one people are scared of and I'm the one that lives in a world full of pain and flashbacks and nightmares that I have no control over. I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend and even though I may not be any of these things to you, what if I was? How would you treat me then?  Mental illness of any kind is scary to those around and even more so for those suffering from it.
I/We did NOT choose this, it's not something that can be turned on and off with the flip of a switch. We are human, we are suffering and most do it in silence. STOP THE STIGMA PEOPLE!!! Stop hurting, judging and invalidating those who are already suffering immensely!!

Before I would just give up and withdraw back into my shell, but I'm not going to do that anymore!! Rachel helped me see that I don't need to. She helped me see that I am worthy, that I can be loved and that there are some people out there who will take the time to listen, to at least try to understand and who can be compassionate. Her husband gave me courage to speak from my heart and to not be afraid to do so, which i remind myself about every single day now.

My posts can be dark, they may be informative, they may be scary or they may be funny. But whatever they are, they are not going to be apologised for anymore by me!!
My life is not a bed full of roses or funny cat videos. My life is scary and tumultuous and full of the unknown. Yes, on the flip side I love and see the beauty in things more than most people ever will and that is an amazing gift, but it's not like that all of the time and I don't have the luxury of deciding which one to feel at any given moment, my brain does that for me.

I am me. I am intelligent and kind, I am a fighter and a survivor. I am beautiful inside and out and I am not going to let others make me feel any less than that anymore!! My journey is far from over, my pain and fears will be along for that ride, but so will my strength, my empathy, my compassion and my love. Like Rachel did for me, if I can help even ONE person feel the love and more importantly the ACCEPTANCE that she made me feel, then it will all be worth it to me....You are always in my thoughts, forever in my heart and my guardian angel of strength sweet Rachel  

Physical Pain and Coping - 07/30/17

It's days like today that my phone should be taken away from me, lol 😜....I've gotten on my so called "soap box" on a few issues today which might not have bothered me so much had I not been in so much physical pain and feeling so exhausted...🎒
That's one thing many people don't understand is that usually with any type of mental illness, some or many physical issues like to tag along for the ride
Besides the mental illnesses, I also suffer from chronic back pain (2 back surgeries with a failed spinal fusion), chronic neck pain, Degenerative Disc Disease throughout my back and neck, Fibromyalgia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Restless Leg Syndrome, Trigeminal Neuralgia, spontaneous nausea and vomiting, edema of the feet, ankles, calves and hands, arthritis everywhere, thyroid nodules, constant stress infections, 24/7 hot flashes, COPD, insomnia, chronic exhaustion and the list goes on.
I'm currently on 15 or so medications, oxygen at night and since I can't get any pain meds thanks to all the restrictions now, I also have my medical marijuana card to help with pain, sleep and anxiety.  So, add all of that to my BPD, PTSD, Depression and anxiety and you've got a hot mess named Debra 😁

Some people think I'm "drama" or just trying to get attention or say I'm just making it all up and every single one of those is about as far from the truth as you can get. I'm in pain 24/7, wether mental, physical or both. I don't seek attention by speaking out the way I do; I hope that it will help others realize that this is some major, real life shit that we are going through and that we need and crave SUPPORT!! That support needs to include research, questions, etc. from our loved ones.
People need to understand about their loved ones illness (es) in order to better be there for them and that includes knowing everything that your loved one is suffering from.

I'm in pain and beyond exhausted today, one of the worst days I've had in awhile...As I recite to myself everyday, I'm doing the best that I can today and hopefully tomorrow's pain and exhaustion will be less, but if not, I'll deal with it like I always do and forge on. But please, don't call me dramatic or over the top or attention seeking because myself and/or anyone with BPD will tell you that's not even close to the truth. We just wish we knew what it's like to go one day without the demons and pain controlling our thoughts and lives. Just one single, solitary day of what most of you would call "Normal ".

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Anxiety vs. Panic Attacks

I never really knew what the difference was between an anxiety attack versus a panic attack until this past week.  I kind of understood the difference, but I experienced a full on, probably the worst, anxiety attack I have ever had this past week.  

I was at Meijers, had just checked out through the self check outs and was leaving and that damn buzzer went off, triggering me. That buzzer always triggers me because I also suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder and can't stand to be the center of attention or have people looking at me. 
The buzzer also sets me off due to the loud noise and my PTSD.  However, this was the 5th time in the past two weeks this has happened to me!!!! I was embarrassed and  humiliated, I felt like I was being treated like a criminal when I had done NOTHING wrong!!I have been under alot of stress the past 3 weeks with working on the Fundraiser for Rachel, having her pass during, attending the service, my boyfriend lost his job a few days before her passing, battling with his Unemployment claim, scheduling my surgery for next month, taking care of my mom for her surgery this month, all of the Drs appointments in between, starting to see a new Psychologist, insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, etc, etc, etc.  I know that I have been stressed and have had periods where it's hard to breath, tightness in my chest, etc. and then this happened and WHAM!!! I got angry, I could feel my face flush and when I got out into my car, I started trembling, sweating profusely and was in tears that did not want to stop.  I knew this was an anxiety attack because the tightness in my chest, breathing, etc wouldn't calm down.  I never actually got total relief from it until after I slept a few hours later that night. What I am finding out with anxiety attacks is that there is usually a build up the attack.
Then one time a few years back, I had a friend over and during our conversation I was asked a question and as I went to answer I couldn't breathe in, LITERALLY, no air would come.  I dropped to the ground gasping for air, feeling like I was going to die (my worst EVER panic attack). I was helped to a fan and sat in front of that trying to breathe.  That subsided after a bit and that is how I now know the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack. 

A panic attack is sudden and many times you feel like you are going to faint or die, but this feeling subsides much quicker than with an anxiety attack.  With the anxiety, that is something that builds inside of you for a period of time and then something sets it off and BOOM, you get the shakes, sweats, trembling, tightness in your chest, lightheaded, crying, etc. and what I never realized before is an anxiety attack can last for hours, days, even weeks whereas a panic attack subsides much quicker AND I didn't feel like I was dying with this attack at Meijers as I did before. 

I've learned and continue to learn so many things through the research of my disorders and illnesses.  It amazes me how much I have learned and how much MORE there is to uncover.  I actually started seeing a Psychologist a few weeks back. 
Finally, I found someone who has a PHD and a Masters in my disorders and I've seen such a difference in the few sessions I have been with him.  It's a total different approach than my past therapists, etc. and it gives me hope that there is help out there for me.  My problem is, I want to learn it all now and learn how to treat everything all at once, but it's a process and I have to learn to be patient (I hate being patient, LOL) and celebrate the baby steps.  
It's taken me MANY, MANY years to find someone who I finally thinks "understands" me and I'm excited!!!  

I know at times it may seem like you will never find someone to help you or understand, but please don't give up hope or give up trying. 
It can be frustrating, defeating and you just want to throw in the towel, but please don't.  Take a break, take some time off, give yourself some time to re-coup and try again. Someone is out there to help you, just please don't EVER give up and remember that you are NOT alone in this fight.  There are MANY of us out there willing to listen, just don't ever be afraid to ask for help.  

Remember, just breathe (see breathing technique above) and celebrate those baby steps.  Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction!! 

Monday, August 7, 2017

God's Plan - A Poem In Memory of Rachel

I just wanted to share a poem I wrote for a friend of mine from High School who passed away on 07.17.17.  She had been battling Stage 4 Colon Cancer since early 2016.  She let everyone into her journey through her Rallying With Rachel site on Facebook.  And that she did.  She Rally(ed) with the strength of a Warrior, unmistakable grace and a love that knew no bounds.  I talked about her and the impact she had/has on my life in my previous post: Grief, Social Media and Me.

 God's Plan - Debra Brent - 07.17.17

A sky so blue, billowy soft and white
This Heaven has gained an Angel tonight.

She now flies free; no pain, no plight
Rejoicing above, calming us with her light.

Forever a blessing, a heart made of gold
A love beyond measure, a blessed sweet soul.

So fly with the Angels, soar as high as you can
Your new life awaits, it's all part of God's plan.

The last words Rachel texted me were, "Love and hugs to you". Now I say those words to her, "Love and hugs to you sweet Rachel.  You will be missed beyond measure, but will live on in our hearts and memories forever."

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Grief, Social Media and Me

I sometimes wish that those around me could FEEL what it is like to be me, to get inside my head and really FEEL what is it like to be me, to suffer with the BPD and the PTSD and Depression coupled with all of the physical issues.  Just one day.  It's so hard to try to explain to someone what it is like.  Many people just make assumptions based on what they see.  They don't ask questions, they just assume.  They say they are there for you, but then as soon as you start talking about the dark side of things, everyone seems to disappear. 

Social media, as I keep finding out time and time again, is not a place for someone who suffers from BPD.  The rejection on it brings back all of the feelings of not fitting in my entire life. 
I've been on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram more recently than usual as I have been speaking out about my friend Rachel who passed away a few weeks ago.  She was a high school classmate, and her passing brought back all of those feelings of "not fitting in" that I felt ALL through school from day one. (I had few friends back then and the same goes for now, so losing Rachel has hit me extremely hard) I was bullied throughout my school years. I was a geek who was shy and sensitive (little did I know HOW sensitive or the reasoning behind it until well into my 30s).  From 6th grade on, I grew up with my 1 sister and 5 brothers and we didn't have much money, thus another reason to feel like I didn't fit in.  If there had been social media back then like there is today, I probably would have been one of those who ended up committing suicide.  I started cutting in high school and the summer I graduated is when I started smoking and drinking.  I still smoke to this day and my drinking has been the cause of MANY problems in my life.
So, shortly after graduation at the age of 17, I already had 3 lousy coping mechanisms in my arsenal and I have returned to each one of those time and time and time again in my life.  Later I on I also added gambling, binge eating, binge drinking, promiscuity and binge spending to my list.

I've been very depressed since the fundraiser for Rachel ended (I was co-hosting it with another HS alumn). It feels like my purpose is gone.  Rachel was my purpose and now she's gone. Rachel was my friend and now she is gone.  Now I grieve, and grieve, and grieve.  I grieve for Rachel and Bob and the kids, I grieve for my dad, for Sergeant Finch...I grieve over and over again for those that I have already grieved for.  Why is that?  That's the BPD that people don't understand.  We FEEL so much more intensely than others do.  And on top of that, it's either ALL good or ALL bad (black and white thinking).  We don't know what grey is.  So, if it's something good we are not just happy, we are euphoric, ecstatic, like a 2 year old at Christmas.  And opposite that, when things are bad, we are not just sad, we are devastated, destroyed....So, death is a trigger for me and with BPD, they describe it as akin to a third degree burn patient. 
Every time we are triggered, it doesn't just take us back to the event and remembering detail, it takes us back to the FEELINGS we felt during that event.  It's like reliving the FEELINGS of that event over and over and over again.  Every time we are triggered back to that event it peels back the skin and its just like the wound is fresh all over again.  So in essence, I am living in the present, but with all the feelings of my past.  It also brought me back to my old coping mechanisms that I used in the past when my dad passed away and Sergeant Finch was killed.   Most people say it's in the past, get over it, get past it.  Well guess what? I CAN'T!!  I get the luxury of reliving my past over and over and over and over again with absolutely NO CONTROL over it!!!!  That's one of the things that people have a hard time understanding is that we have NO CONTROL over it.  Our brain is wired differently then others.  It doesn't function like most people's.  We LITERALLY have to re-wire our brain to get better. 
I've known about the BPD for about 6 years now.  I spent one year in denial, then researching, seeing therapists, medication (there is no medication for BPD, only meds to treat the symptoms that accompany it, but nothing to treat the root cause of it). I've been to many therapists and belong to support groups on-line, bought books and workbooks...It takes time, ALOT and I mean ALOT of time to find the right therapist, the right medications, the right type of therapy that is going to work for you.  And then, it's the years of trying to work through your trauma and "re-wire" your brain.  And then on top of that, the more co-occurring conditions you have (substance abuse, drug abuse, gambling, other mental illnesses), the longer it takes.  Thus, the dark posts when I get depressed.  Wouldn't you get tired and frustrated and exhausted having to relive the hardest times in your life over and over again, day in and day out and the feelings each and every one brought with them??? 
Now, try to function in the "normal" world feeling this way, it kinda sucks ass!!! I've developed social anxiety over the past few years, my PTSD has triggered me not to be able to be around fireworks, loud noises, large groups, etc. It's an extremely damaging, devastating, lonely illness for those who suffer from it.  I'm not going to sugar coat it anymore, I'm done with that.  People/society need to start understanding how debilitating this disorder is.  BPD has the highest suicide statistics over any other mental illness.  10% of those with BPD commit suicide.  Read my past posts, read my future posts and you will get an idea why.

That's why I always talk about people needing to read the signs.  If they start to post more dark or depressing stuff, withdrawing, acting out, cutting, etc. those are all signs.  We do this in the hopes that someone will reach out to us, that someone will actually see these signs and gives us validation when someone reaches out, it gives us hope and when they don't reach out, to us, it just confirms that we are worthless just like we thought we were.... again, there is NOTHING we can do about it because we CAN'T CONTROL our emotions or the way our rollercoaster of a brain operates until we have a support system, tools, therapy under our belt.  It's a long process, sometimes a never ending process, alot of hard work, alot of grief, extremely emotional and without that support and validation that we crave, it can turn out to be an extremely lonely process and existence.  As I have said time and time again on many different subjects, it only takes ONE...One person to reach out, one person to say a kind word, one person to make a simple gesture, one person who wants to try to understand...That ONE person can make all the difference in the life of any person who is suffering....

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Ramblings (Part 2 of ???)

 So many things have been going on in my head lately.  I've been coming to the conclusion on some items that I just need to accept the facts and stop living in a dream world.  Like, nobody will love me as much as I love them because non BPD's don't FEEL as much as I do, thus they don't love as much as I do, thus the love I give to others won't be returned as I always hoped that it would. 
I've also come to the conclusion that non BPD's won't get as excited as me about the things that I love, such as gift giving, Christmas, etc.  I get sooooo hyped up and excited buying gifts for those I care about and I look sooooo forward to their reactions, but the reactions I hope for never come.  They never come because, again, the non BPD's don't react as emotionally as I do.  Thus, I am not going to get the reaction that I hope for.  Then, I am let down.  I feel like it was a waste to do what I did, or I say I'm never doing it again because they don't appreciate it.  I know in my heart that they appreciate it, I just wish my head would shut the hell up and listen to my heart more.

I'm 44 years old and still trying to figure out my lot in life.  I don't know that I ever will, although that hopeless romantic and hopeless optimist in me still keeps trying to figure it out.  It just feels hopeless at times.  I recently said that social media and my disorders don't mix and have removed myself from the "everyday" Facebook experience.
I get so deflated when I post items and get no response.
I think social media is a great thing as this allows others to relate to so many more/diverse people in this world, but I also think that social media has spurred on bullying, kidnapping, human trafficking, etc. and has taken it to an ENTIRELY new and un-stoppable level.  I also think it is easier to cheat on someone, to meet others for the thoughts of doing this, to figure out how to "cover" things up, etc, etc, etc.  It is the bane of this current society's existence and I think in as many ways as it makes things easier, it has made things worse in just as many, if not more, especially for someone like myself who needs to have the "reaction" of the likes and comments, etc. or I feel as if nobody cares, that I don't matter, basically that I am worthless. And ever since that post, not one person has asked if I am doing okay or why I did it or anything.  That's when I get to the point of feeling like I have NO friends.  At 44, it's hard to try to find a place to fit in when you feel like there isn't a place in this world for you. 
Everybody already has their families, they already have their divorces and careers and friends, and high school and college friends, work friends, their circle.  I don't have a circle.  I've never been married, Ive never had any children (another dream in life that will never come true), I don't have any pets, I don't have a job, I don't have a car, etc, etc, etc.  The only circle I have is that continuous circle in my head that always makes me teeter totter back and forth to the good and the bad.  I don't know if I will ever find that "grey" area.  I am hoping someday that I will, but if not, I don't know.  I guess I'll do what I am trying to do right now and find a way to live with the "least" amount of hurt.  There is hurt in my life every single day.  I don't think that will ever change, so, trying to find the things that hurt me the least is what I am trying now, thus getting off of Facebook.  People have their own lives to lead, their own families to tend to.
Who in their right mind would want to take on a friend like me, with all of my problems and issues?  Who wants to take that kind of time to learn more about me and how to act/react around me?  If I was younger, I think it would be easier.  I think alot of things would have been easier had I been diagnosed when I was a teenager, when I started cutting.  But, I wasn't so now I just have to deal the hand that was dealt to me.  It's hard, it sucks ASS and almost everyday I wish I didn't have this damn disorder, but it also helps make me the person I am today.  I know I have self esteem issues, but I also know that I have a very caring, giving heart and that's what I need to concentrate on more and remind myself everyday, that I AM WORTH IT!!!