I never realized before why I couldn't sustain friendships. The more I learn about my disorders, especially the BPD, the more I understand the pitfalls of trying to sustain any type of relationship. I feel like I need to have my friends know about my disorders so that they can understand if I can't control my reaction to something, get upset easily, cancel on them, have a panic attack, etc., but on the flip side, I don't want to go into detail and bore the crap out of them and also I never know how somebody is going to react to my illness(es).
Some freak out, some "assume" they know about it when they really don't, some just phase me out and others just flat out leave. So, I find myself spending much of my time alone. The better part of my life is actually spent that way. Which, in reality, is not a good thing because with the fact that my "brain" won't shut off, I think too much, overanalyze too much and I'm sure talk myself out of some of my friendships. I don't mean to and I don't want to, but I CAN'T help it. I have very low self-esteem (always have and probably always will), but I can at least mask that with jokes and sarcasm or alcohol in public and then I deal with the pain of it in the darkness, just me and my monsters. They visit me often, the monsters in my head.
They make me feel stupid, worthless, alone, fat, ugly, un-wanted, un-loved, ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, etc. etc. etc. No matter how much I work at things, the monsters always seem to find a way back into my head, into my life and I am so hoping that my new Psychologist will be able to help me slay those monsters one by one.
I was always shy when I was younger (at least I thought it was just shyness, but now realize it is also hypersensitivity due in part to my BPD and Social Anxiety Disorder) and I used to get picked on and bullied through my school years. I was an easy target, I assumed, because I didn't fight back. Now, I am just the polar opposite. If someone hurts me, they will know it and they will no longer be a part of my life. I've finally had enough of that and realize that I don't deserve to be treated in that manner. I'M DONE!!! You hurt me, you can fuck off and die for all I care. I wish I could find the "grey" area in this subject matter, but I am not at that point in my recovery process yet. Everything to me is still Black or White. The only difference now is that instead of being so incredibly shy, I will tell explode at someone if they are making fun of myself or ANYONE with a mental illness, or those who make fun of RAPE, or those who degrade people for not getting out of an abusive relationship, etc.
If you have no first hand experience of any of these, then you just need to keep your damn mouth shut!!!! If anyone EVER touches me again or tries to hurt me physically again I will do anything AND everything in my power to defend myself in any and all ways possible because I won't tolerate it ANYMORE!!!! I know that's not the right attitude or socially acceptable response, but seeing as how I have never felt accepted by society, that part shouldn't matter, right?? Unfortunately, it still does matter. Because, thanks to my BPD, I don't want to hurt anyone either. And when I lose a friend, it's that feeling of rejection or worthlessness, even if I am the one doing the dumping. So, no matter what I do, it ALWAYS seems like I am fighting a losing battle.
Then there is social media which I think is a great thing as this allows others to relate to so many more/diverse people in this world, but I also think that social media has spurred on bullying, kidnapping, human trafficking, etc. and has taken it to an ENTIRELY new and un-stoppable level. I also think it is easier to cheat on someone, to meet others for the thoughts of doing this, to figure out how to "cover" things up, etc, etc, etc. It is the bane of this current society's existence and I think in as many ways as it makes things easier, it has made things worse in just as many ways, if not more. And for someone with my disorders, there is the now 24/7 public threat of humiliation as opposed to just during the day (school, work, etc.) My biggest problem is Facebook.
When I post and get NO likes or comments, it hurts me to the core. It makes me feel not valued, not heard, not liked, not wanted, a burden, etc. It's the ULTIMATE invalidation that sends me on a rollercoaster ride every time I post. I'm working on that and my response to that, but just like my psychologist reiterated to me the other day, it's going to be a long, slow process. Until that time, I think I am going to get off of Facebook and stick with Instagram, Pinterest and my blog here as that is where I get the most response and feel the most understood; the ones who do not know me give me more support than those that actually do most of the time.
So, that puts me back to I keep trying. I don't think I will ever stop trying to have friends in my life (the ever hopping between black and white thinking), I just hope that I can build my self confidence and self esteem up enough to where the good days start outweighing the bad.
It still hurts ALOT when I don't get comments or plans are changed or cancelled by someone because I take that as them rejecting me, but I'm not going to give up HOPE!!! I sincerely hope that you won't give up on that or yourself either. If you are reading this, you made it through another day and God still has plans for you 😉
Keep fighting the good fight!! You are a survivor and always know, you have a friend in me💓
No comments:
Post a Comment