The Insomnia Monster

 It's 6:22 am and I have already been awake for over 2 hours. Grrrrrrr.  The night before this I only got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep TOTAL.  Sometimes I fall asleep again in the morning, other days I'm up from the middle of the night on.  I've tried medications, done a sleep lab, home testing, etc.  and still have yet to figure how how to sleep normally again, lol.  Sometimes there are reasons, such as the nightmares.  If I awake and remember a nightmare I was having, I'm scared to go back to sleep thinking that I'll be sucked back into it.  Other times it's the pain in my neck and shoulders to where I can't find any position that is comfortable to sleep in.  Other times it's because the meds didn't work for my RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and when that doesn't work I am up ALL night and usually crying and throwing things by morning because of the pain and exhaustion.  Then there is when I am overly tired and all I want to do is sleep, but it just never happens.

I've tried different meds (prescribed and Over the Counter) and nothing has truly helped.  The medication I was on from my psychiatrist ended up being a NIGHTMARE!!!!  I lived by myself in an apartment at the time and the medication made me so woozy and dizzy-like that I would smoke in the middle of the night and not know it.  I used to wake up to cigarettes burned into the carpeting ALL OF THE TIME!!! Then one night, I woke up to flames, yes FLAMES, in front of my face.  Evidently a cigarette dropped onto my blanket on the runner and burned through the blanket, through the runner and then through the carpeting and insulation underneath when i caught it.  Well, needless to say, I stopped that medication.  The funny (well, not so funny) thing is, that I was only on 1 of those pills and my psychiatrist told me I could take up to 3 of them AT ONE TIME!!!  Shit, I'd probably burn down the city if I took three of those things at one time!!!! I told him about it and yet he still didn't take me off of it (WTF?? Really??) so I weened myself off of it and am now totally scared to try any type of prescription sleep aid.

So, now that I can't go back to sleep, my brain decides to have fun with me and in the middle of the night, it's the monsters that tend to come out. Reflection, memories, usually the bad ones are the ones that visit me during the night. 

I actually do a lot of my writing of this blog in the middle of the night because that is what seems to keep rolling around up there.  Most people might be thinking of what they have to do the next day or what time to pick up the kids or what they need to get at the store.  Is that what my brain does? Hell no!! My brain wants to reflect and think about all of the bad things that have happened and relive them over and over and over again.  It wants to bring up the old feelings and new ones.  It wants to concentrate on my mistakes.  It wants to remind me of what a waste my life has been.  It wants to torture me with ALL of this.  And then sometimes I'm scared to go back to sleep because I'm afraid that the thoughts will turn into nightmares.  Then when I wake up, the nightmares turn into panic/anxiety attacks. Its just a vicious cycle that seems like it never wants to end, no matter what I try.  I just want to sleep again.  I want to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.  I want to sleep more than three or four hours a night (sometimes less).  I don't want to be up for 3-6 hours in the middle of the night ALONE.  Alone with my monsters.  Alone with myself.

It's scary at times what runs through my mind, even to me.  It's also confusing and frustrating.  And tiring, OMG, I always feel like I am exhausted.  Every day is like that, it just depends on whether it is going to be mild or major. 

More than once I have almost fallen asleep while driving.  I've pulled over before to rest my eyes because I was afraid of falling asleep at the wheel.  Luckily I don't have the car everyday, but on the days  I do it's mentally and physically exhausting because I have to get up so early to get my boyfriend to work (we only have 1 car) and sometimes I'm up from 2 or 3 in the morning on and right when I want to go back to sleep is when we have to get up.  I have actually stopped seeing a lot of my specialists, I am not doing physical therapy and counseling because I can't borrow the car that many times during the week.  Going through 1 day with the car sometimes feels like a 40 hour work week to me an takes me days to get back to what is considered "my normal".  I'm sure anxiety plays a nice part in it too.  That and my PTSD.

PTSD and BPD overlap in people a lot (not always and is not required to have one to have the other), but between the triggers and the nightmares, these diseases don't want to see me sleep.

I live on Mountain Dew on days I have to do things which is not good either because I've gained a lot of weight this past winter.  I actually just got put on Oxygen while I sleep so we will have to see if that helps at all (so far not really, just burns my nose, lol). Then with my physical issues along with my mental issues, it SUCKS!!!!  Then there is the binge eating in the middle of the night which I am sure has caused some weight issues and that is something that is getting better, but again, I don't always remember doing it until I find wrappers or food laying around the next morning.  Uggggggg!!!!!!!  Now on top of that, I have anxiety of dying in my sleep.  My doctor told me that whatever they were measuring drops during the night (quite often) and that I could possibly have a heart attack.  And that scares me even more because my dad died of a heart attack.  So then if I wake up and even something doesn't feel right, I'm scared to go back to sleep for fear of dying.

It just seems like my entire life is turing into a life of fear.  I had a tire that flew off the car while I was driving down the highway last summer and I had to get over two lanes of traffic and an entrance ramp to get to the shoulder.  Have no clue how I did it without hitting anybody, but I did.  I actually thought I just had a tire that went flat until the truck showed up to help me and he said the tire was GONE!!!  He found it a ways back and it had gone over all those lanes of traffic, down a ravine, over a small creek, literally sliced through a fence and finally came to a stop in front of a tree.  He said he had never seen anything like it. 

So, needless to say, panic attacks have ensued since then (and still do) about driving because I am so scared of that or something worse happening again.  Then probably throughout the last few months, I have almost hit 6 deer and yesterday almost hit a coyote.  WTH?????  The deer a few weeks ago, I actually veered in between both of them and didn't hit either of them, again, I have no idea how. I do get scared alot easier driving now and there are certain places that I just won't drive, but I don't want to let my fears control my life.  I am probably WAAAAYYY over protective and OCD now though about making sure car doors are locked, house doors are always locked, windows are locked, (those are all from my PTSD and past abuse that I have the fear of that happening again), etc.  I don't want these fears to control my life so I try (not always successfully) to keep plugging through them and using some tools to calm my anxiety, but my panic/anxiety attacks are definitely on the rise lately.

So, if anybody has any suggestions, I would be more than willing to listen.  Until then, I guess I'll just keep writing and sleep when I'm dead I guess, right?  lol.....

Shadows of the Night

 

As I wrote in my previous post: Music Saved My Life, I said that I was working on a poem that was sparked by Daughtry and his song Rescue Me.  It was sparked by that song, but all of Daughtry's songs, lyrics, etc. have had a profound effect on changing/saving my life and on NOT making me one of the 10% statistics of those who successfully commit suicide that suffer from BPD.  I've tried before (more than once, as about 60-80% of those with BPD have also) and can't guarantee I won't again, but I have more HOPE now than I ever have before.  I also have more support and tools since coming out with my blog and being more open about my disorders and illnesses. I continue to research and learn more about them, and about myself, everyday.  I am a "Recovery In Process" (my new meaning for R.I.P.) and am thankful to ALL of those who have helped Rescue Me. So, here it is:

The blazing magenta of the sun's nightly exit casts bleak shadows on my already clouded mind;
 impending struggle poking and prodding at my tattered soul

Inner demons swirling around my emotions, like a school of sharks ready to feast
The hellish monsters clank their evilness inside the virtually empty glass,
 sliding easily down my parched throat, with their stinging touch and acid-like smugness
The metallic, crimson stained blade casting shadows of imminent gloom upon my already darkening wall; reality quickly fading into the distance

A muffled sound penetrates my hazy, intoxicated filled thoughts
It escalates
It's gripping, raspy, hypnotic

It pulls at me, yanking at my tear stained eyes to open, to notice them

The shadows

Dancing shadows on my wall

These life-like mesmerizing shadows

Swaying methodically to the beat of that deep, dark raspy rhythm

No longer do I heed the vision of the crimson blade tap, tap, tapping on my veins

Instead I sit mesmerized, spell bound, in a trance-like state,

  drawn into this shadowy dance layering my wall, my head with such distraction and amazement    

It's my invitation into their world             

  my invitation to get lost                                                            

  my invitation to be a part of their dance

If only for a few hours, minutes or fleeting seconds, the shadows, they dance with me

  they dance beside me

  they become a part of me

Intertwining souls; tangling lives

Dancing across the cyclonic waves of that raspy, trance-like music as one

They are my lifeboat, my buoy; my saving grace

  these shadows who so get me;

My captivating, intoxicating, mind numbing shadows

  dancing through the night to         Rescue Me.

By: DAB 03/31/2017

Music Saved My Life

Music. It has saved my life on more than one occasion. Daughtry was the biggest part of that.  Late into the night when the monsters tend to come out, listening to music (getting lost in a world where somebody understands, somebody seems to get "it") saved my life  on more than one occasion. 

I would sit in my apartment, alone, drinking, sometimes writing, sometimes throwing things, every time feeling totally alone and worthless.  I was an every day alcoholic at one point.  Alcohol and depression definitely don't go together.  But music, it's always been a part of my life.

I played in the band from 5th through 8th grade, I love to write (stories, poetry, lyrics - anything expressive) and have always listened to a variety of music.  I ALWAYS have music on in the car and it's on 24/7 in the garage.  For me it's kind of like my reading.  I love to read, especially the chick romance stuff and biographies, and that was an escape for me.  When I lived in the SafeHouse (shelter for abused women) for 3 months, I read, ALOT!!!

At one point I read one book a day for 30 days straight!!! That at the time was my escape (no radios).  It was my "what if" in life.  What if my prince charming is still out there?  What if I could turn my life around like some of these people?  What if , what if, what if???  I guess I have always been a hopeless romantic so I cling to some of those hopes still.  Music is the same for me.  It transports me to a land far away from my reality and it's not just the words, it's the feelings.  Music makes me feel like somebody else out their gets how I FEEL.  With my BPD I feel too much.  Non-BPD's don't get my CONSTANT strong feelings, but music gets it.  The artists, they get it, they get me.  Music also brings back memories, brings back feelings, stirs up new ones, makes me think, and the best part about music, especially when the darkness falls around me, is that Music was/is my friend, sometimes what felt like my only friend.

Daughtry.  I first heard him when I was bowling one night.  I walked into the bar to get a drink and I didn't see him on TV, I just heard him. 

I was drawn to his voice and from then on he became my "friend".  As my life twisted, turned, spinning out of control at times, Daughtry became a "very close friend".  All of his CDs that I have all have at least one song on them that skip, etc. from overuse, crying on them, throwing them, etc.  I personally know that if I had not found Daughtry and his music that I would be dead right now.  Some people get it and some people don't, but music can have such a PROFOUND effect on someones life.  At those dark moments, sometimes drinking, sometimes crying, sometimes yelling, sometimes cutting, many times blacking out, sometimes flipping out, it was as if he was the only one that "got it".  His songs resonated with me personally sooooooo much!!!!  I have at least one song on each CD that related with something I was going through at the time.  I know it may sound crazy, but it was almost like he knew.  Each time a new CD would come out, I would find that song that I could, and still can, never get enough of.  And the one that sticks with me the most right now is Rescue Me (I attached a link on the side of this song) which is what prompted me to write the poem that I am going to publish in the next post.

Music can be such a huge influence on anyone's life.  There are so many artists and genres of music out there that it is almost impossible to NOT find something that you can connect with.  And BLARING it (at least for me), that is such a release.  I totally blare the radio when I am driving and if I am stressed, it gets louder and usually more towards Rock N Roll, Heavy Metal, Alternative.  Country tends to bring out the nostalgia in me. 

And there are a few songs that still bring me to tears when I hear them because they remind me of my Dad (my dad passed away almost 14 years ago.  I miss my dad every single day).  I love to watch Bands play (like high school and college) (still wishing I could have been a part of that), love to listen to oldies, country, rock and roll, heavy metal, alternative, some rap, some hip hop, pretty much just about ANYTHING!!!!  And when it comes to music, my boyfriend describes it as a "rain-man" like quality that I have because almost any song that comes on the radio I tend to know most or all of the words.  I can't remember where the hell I put my keys 5 minutes ago or what I was going to say part way through a sentence, but I can remember the words to a song that was written back in the 50s!!!  WTH??  That just brings you back to the mind and what a wonderful, and I still believe, totally misunderstood part of the human anatomy it is.

So, music has, is and always will play an extremely important part in my life.  I haven't been to many concerts in my life, but I just told my boyfriend the other day that it's not just a "Bucket List" item, but that if I was on my deathbed and had one wish, this is what it would be: I would want a front row ticket to a Daughtry concert, with a back stage pass and a Meet-N-Greet .... I would give anything to have a Meet N Greet with Daughtry so that I can thank him for saving my life. 

In those times when I thought I was crazy, or just a stupid, weak drunk, having nowhere to turn, Daughtry was there.  He was there to keep me distracted, he was there to pull me into his world, he was there to listen to me crying and talking and belting out his songs without judgment, and the fact is whenever I needed him, he was always there.  I could be transported into his "dance" anytime I wanted it, anytime I NEEDED it.  He never left me, he never abandoned me, he never passed judgments on my actions or my feelings; and all the while having no idea what he was/is still doing. Daughtry is/was/and probably always will be Rescuing Me.

The Good, The Better and The Hopeful

As you have noticed, many of my posts deal with the shitty side of BPD and I tell those stories not to scare anyone, but to give those without BPD a truer sense of the hell that we go through on a daily basis and to give those with BPD someone/something to relate to.  I used to feel like I was the only person in the world with this disorder, but once I could get past all of the negativity on the Internet about it, I found Facebook groups and other online groups that finally made me feel not so alone.

Now, you are probably wondering what the GOOD side could be to this disorder?  Well, actually there are a few.  Those with BPD tend to have more empathy and compassion (at least I see that I do) towards others with mental illnesses because we understand more than those who have not experienced any of them.  I Love like crazy!!! 

When I care about someone, I would go to the ends of the earth for them!!!!  I just want to see everyone that I love HAPPY!!!!  Part of it is because I don't want to see anyone that I love have to deal with what I have in my life; I don't want to see any of them have to deal with cutting or suicidal thoughts or fitting in or being so freakin hypersensitive or depression or any type of hurt at all.  When I care, I care deeply and with all of my heart plus.  That actually is a wonderful side to my BPD😀💗💗😀

Another GOOD trait of BPD (at least for me) was the constant need for perfection, organization, non clutter, non-boredom, the need to understand, etc which saved my ass in my last few jobs because my attendance sucked ass due to my alcoholism, PTSD, BPD and Depression.  But, when I was actually work, I worked my ass off!!! 

I asked lots of questions, took lots of notes, always wanted to learn more, hated to be bored, wanted to make sure things were done properly, always asked for more work if mine was finished or asked to help out someone else.  I HATED to be bored at work, it would drive me nuts.  And I like to be challenged.  Those qualities really did save my ass on more than one occasion.

My two year old (inside of me 😜, lol) makes me laugh, smile, makes my boyfriend shake his head constantly at me, lol, and it is also a way for me to cope.  The child-like aspect (which I will discuss in a future post) of BPD can be bad as far as the tantrums, but can be good as it brings innocence back to a person whose life has been disrupted by everything that is as far from innocent as you can get.  I see it more now, as I understand my disorder and myself more, as a coping mechanism.  When I am in one of my "tailspins", I tend to revert back to childish things to make myself laugh, to diffuse the situation, to make my boyfriend laugh and sometimes it truly is to seek the comfort, attention, love that I crave now and missed out on growing up. 

Don't get me wrong, I know that my parents and step-parents love(d) me (I used past tense because my Dad and my Step-dad have both passed away), but I sure didn't make things easy on them either.  (Just an FYI: I also have repressed (blocked out) much of my childhood and early adult hood, so if I don't speak much of particular instances from back then, that is because my "detailed" memory of that is very sketchy or non-existent, just feelings, brief memories, etc.).

Passion. Those with BPD tend to be extremely passionate about those things/people that matter to them.  When I see someone hurting or getting hurt by others, I am overly passionate at times about voicing how I feel about that situation and try to figure out how I can help. 

I want to donate money to all the Go Fund Me accounts for those in need (but I restrain because I also need to eat 🍕🍔🍩😋😋, lol), I want to help with fundraisers, I want to be there for any one (stranger or friend) who is having a hard time.  I notice that I have been reaching out ALOT more to people (whether they be friends, acquaintances or strangers) on-line when I see a post where they are hurting.

I also get passionate about things I like to do.  When I get excited about a project, whether it be working on a scrapbook for someone, writing (such as this blog or other articles), making baskets (I used to make gift baskets for craft shows and also for a consignment shop), bowling, (I miss bowling so damn much), re-decorating, holidays (OMG, I am the ULTIMATE 2 year old at Xmas 🎄🎅, my favorite holiday thanks to my Dad 😍), birthdays, etc. I am sometimes consumed by it.  But, that's also what gets me EXCITED!!!!  That inner child comes out and I just can't contain my excitement!!!!

(The flip side to that is that I also get extremely let down after holidays, the project is done, gifts are given, etc. because I don't get the reaction I hope for because people without BPD don't FEEL the excitement at the level that I do, thus they don't respond at the level that I hope for).

I consider myself to be very creative (as I believe quite a few with this disorder are), intelligent (I have a rain-man like quality in quick responses and song lyrics), I possess alot of common sense (although many would wonder at times, lol), I can carry on a conversation (although I notice that I do tend to get more defensive nowadays..I'll have to add that to my "work in progress" list 😉), spontaneous (the BPD impulsive behaviors tend to make me spontaneous and adventurous...That's where I need to slow my roll and think about things a little more first, but sometimes that spontaneity is what is needed, lol).

Just by first glance or talking with me, you would think that I was just like anybody else.  That is, until that one word or gesture reared it's ugly head and the over analyzing starts and the rollercoaster begins again!!!!   But, that is what I am working on.  Mindfulness, "slowing my roll"....It's hard, harder than people think.  It's an everyday, every hour, every minute process.  It's mentally and physically draining, but it is going to be soooooooooo worth it!!!!  Every baby step, every victory (no matter how small) should be celebrated 🎉🎊🎈!! 

The ability to forgive can be a great force in recovery.  Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes (something I am getting a little better at) takes off so much of the pressure, so much of the guilt and is a great stepping board forward.

It's hard, it takes time and it takes ALOT of self-love, but it's doable.  I never thought I would get there, but it's coming along better than I thought in that area.  We all make mistakes, not one person in the world hasn't made one.  We forgive others for their mistakes, it's time to forgive ourselves for them too.  Love yourself!!! Embrace your inner child!!!  Laugh, joke, have fun!!! Embrace the "quirks" of this disorder.  We may have it "darker" than most, but we also get to see things "brighter" and feel the good things more deeply than most and we need to embrace this more!!!

Let your Inner Child Shine!!!!!   🌞😎🌞

Oranges

If you were to say the word "oranges" to me and that's it, this is what would happen in my mind: Oranges lead to Cuties leads to Do we have any left? leads to Do I need to get any at the store? leads to Shopping List leads to What do we have for dinner today? leads to Do I feel okay enough to eat? leads to Did I take my medication today? leads to What time is it? leads to What did I accomplish so far today? leads to What do I still need to do? leads to Shit, what was I trying to remember? leads to What were we talking about again? leads to..........And all of that went through my mind probably in less than thirty seconds!!! This is how my brain works ALL day, EVERY day!!!! It's just random thought to random thought to random thought.  My boyfriend looks at me and shakes his head half the time and asks, "Where the hell did that come from?" because I just said something evidently totally out of left field from our conversation, but to me it makes sense because that is how I am used to my brain working. 

However, it sucks ass too because I have yet to be able to find the "OFF" switch.  The "ON" switch to my brain is ALWAYS turned on and it's like they added Energizer batteries and Steroids to it case it is so AMPED up and it keeps going and going and going and going.....And that goes for thoughts as well as feelings...

There are times like Friday when I was having a particular rough afternoon and I came home and told my boyfriend that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, " I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

We had just found out that his father had passed away that morning.  I wanted to be there for him, but the shit that went through my mind turned it all back to me and that I was going to be left out and feel isolated again.  Really??? And then not knowing the plans and when things were going to happen filled me with anxiety because that could change the plans for the week that we already had in place.  Yes, change is NOT a good thing for someone suffering from BPD.  Change just sends me into a tailspin, that and NOT KNOWING something, whether it be plans, plans changing at the last minute, actually anything.  If I ask a question and I can't get an answer good enough to where I understand it, it just eats at me like frickin' acid!!!! So, I felt like a total asshole because my damn EMOTIONS took over to shit that would seem totally "insignificant" to a "normal" person looking in from the outside.  My boyfriend understood (thank GOD he has a TON of patience ;) Thank you sweetie :-) ) but anyone else who did not understand the situation would think I was probably being petty and self-centered, but that was about as far from the case as you can get.  And the thing is, I CAN"T STOP IT!!!

Yes, through therapy I can learn to control it, but that takes time, ALOT of time and the fact that I have PTSD and Depression along with BPD makes it that much more difficult to get through because there are specific treatments for BPD and PTSD and of course, they are not the same.  And as for my BPD, regular Cognitive Therapy doesn't do a damn thing for it.  I've seen many different counselors and not one of them has truly helped me with overcoming my past (shit, they don't even have me talk about it!!) or even delving into it and just "talking" doesn't do the trick.  I know I need DBT therapy, but there are no DBT groups near where I live that I would either qualify for or could afford.  And then it's trying to find a counselor who wants to deal with someone with BPD.  Due to the so called "manipulative" nature of people with BPD (which is BULLSHIT) and the emotional outbursts, etc. there are many therapists/counselors out there that don't want to/can't deal with patients with BPD. 

So, on top of having problems finding a therapist (which I currently don't have), my problems with regular Doctors still remains.  Trying to find a doctor who will "accept" you as a patient is hard for me to do also due to my LONG ass list of problems and the words "Chronic Pain". I even put my application into a clinic once that was run by NUNS and got denied!! (LOL....you begin to wonder after that if anybody wants to help you, lol).  And the words "chronic pain" normally equals "pill popper" to a doctor.  I went in to a Gasteroenterologist for my results of my colonoscopy and upper endoscopy once and my PCP (Primary Care Doctor) office had just up and closed out of nowhere so I was left with no way to get my prescriptions refilled until I could find a new one.  So, I asked the Gastro doc if he could refill two of my prescriptions that dealt with my stomach and my nausea.  Before I could even get out what the prescriptions were and what they were for, he stopped me in my tracks and said "I'm not giving you any pain medications".

Well, guess what?? I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY!!!  He's not the first doctor to make this assumption and I'm sure he won't  be the last, but it's pretty damn invalidating to someone like myself with BPD to hear that, making me feel so bad about myself that I almost didn't even ask for the other prescriptions that I needed.

So, as you can see, this post began with just the word "oranges" and this is where it ended up. It kind of reminds me of that commercial, "This is your brain; This is your brain on drugs" with the egg and fried egg.  Well, my brain would be the egg and the part of "This is your brain on BPD" would be the egg exploding in the microwave!!! (I thought of this because my boyfriend actually did have an egg explode in the microwave recently, lol)

But no matter what my "brain" is doing at any given moment, the truth is that at any given moment, people (myself included) need to realize that "I am doing the best that I can".  It's small (miniscule at times) baby steps forward (and some giant steps back), but every step forward, no matter how small, is a SIGNIFICANT step!!  Any step forward, any crawl forward, any inch forward that I make is that much closer I am to understanding, it's that much closer I am to self-discovery, it's that much closer I am to being able to explain myself and this disorder to people, it's that much closer I am to recovery.  My road may be longer than others and have more twists and turns and backtracking, but it's MY road and along that road of ruts and ditches, there is also BEAUTY and PASSION and LOVE!!!

DON'T STOP WALKING MY FRIENDS!!

 

 

Impulsivity/Coping

I have had/have most of the impulsive behaviors associated with BPD.  I started cutting when I was a teenager, I started drinking at 17 and eventually became an everyday alcoholic (I consider myself a recovering alcoholic, I still drink occasionally, but still have to watch myself so as to not overdo it especially because of my medications),

I've had promiscuity problems (they used me and I used them either for a place to sleep that night when I was homeless or just to feel wanted for a little bit), I've had gambling problems and at one point signed myself out of a casino many years ago.  I've had problems not just with drinking, but binge drinking and blacking out.

It's almost as if you become someone else.  I get to a certain point and I just can't stop.  Whether it be drinking or gambling or whatever, I know I shouldn't be doing what I am doing, but I do it anyways. 

It's the weirdest and the most crippling feeling at the same time.  The after effects suck ass though!!!  The money you lose, or the purse you lose, or sleeping with someone you don't know then being scared of pregnancy or diseases.  And you never want to do it again or go through it again, and yet, when you reach that same depression or anxiety point it starts all over again, the self-sabotage

I've had problems with binge eating and then binge eating in the middle of the night that I don't remember.  I would quit one impulsive behavior and then start another.  Little did I know at the time that these were my "coping" skills.  I thought I was weak.  I thought I was crazy.  I thought I was totally fucked up compared to everyone else.  I felt worthless.  I felt unwanted.  Many people just saw me as an alcoholic.  I have been accused of crying wolf.  The drinking and depression led to more than one suicide attempt.

I've made many calls to the suicide hot line during the night.  I've made many calls to family and/or friends who just through I was drunk.  Little did they or I know the cause of many of these impulsive behaviors.  I just wanted someone to listen.  I just wanted to not feel so lonely.  To not feel so alone.  To feel wanted.  To feel loved.  To feel like I mattered to someone, anyone.

I know I've made MANY mistakes in my life..  I've made many bad decisions, but I'm coming to realize that doesn't make me a bad person. I was never diagnosed with BPD until my late 30's.  I personally think I should have been diagnosed as a teenager. 

So, between those teenage years and my diagnosis I just thought that I was crazy, weak, stupid, careless, worthless when I became an alcoholic, when I couldn't stop gambling, when I was promiscuous, when I cut (never understood until a few years back why I did that so again I thought I was just "weird" for doing something like that), etc.  I never realized that those were coping techniques.  I never realized that my brain didn't think like other people.  I never realized that I was mentally "sick" and that there was a name for it besides "weak" or "crazy" or "weird". 

It may sound strange, because it doesn't change the fact that I still face those demons and struggle with impulsivity issues due to my BPD, but knowing that this disorder and my brain were causes of these struggles, it made it better.  I didn't feel weak anymore.  I didn't feel crazy anymore,

I didn't feel weird anymore. For quite awhile, I still felt worthless and stupid for continuing in those behaviors, but I have come to realize that those were (and partially still are) my coping techniques.  I've been using these techniques to cope for like 30 years and still struggle with them, but at least now I understand them, I understand why I do them and I can find tools through DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) to help me make fewer and fewer impulsive decisions. 

I'm not the only one who saw me as "weak" or "worthless" during these times.  Alcoholism runs in my family and at one point and time I became an functioning every day alcoholic.  I could put away a pint to fifth of rum a day easily.  I still worked, but I have always had a problem keeping jobs for long which I didn't understand is also a part of this disorder.  Besides my first job at 16 which lasted about 5 1/2 years, I never held a position for more than 3 years.  I should have been fired from most of them for attendance problems (the bad part of BPD),  but when I was at work, I WORKED!! 

I hated being bored.  I would get my work done and ask for more or find out who else I could help out.  I consider myself a very intelligent person.  I catch on quick and worked in the accounting field and still to this day have never taken an accounting course in my life, lol.  It was all on the job or self-taught.  I also asked a gazillion questions, lol, because that is one thing I notice is that I NEED (not just want) to understand things.  If I don't understand something, it will eat at me and bug me and continue to run through my mind until I can find/get and answer.  So, on the flip side, those GOOD TRAITS OF BPD actually were what saved my butt from losing my last three or four positions from the BAD traits of my BPD.

Speaking of the GOOD traits of BPD, I mentioned a few posts back that I was going to touch on that in the next post and "life" happened and I never got to it, lol. But, I will have a post coming soon regarding the GOOD side of BPD that those without BPD usually don't ever get to experience.

In the meantime, keep FIGHTING!!! Remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!  And you are NEVER alone (just send me a comment or PM!!) I don't have all the answers, but I ALWAYS, ALWAYS have an ear to listen 😀

Does Anybody Understand?

 

 

I feel like NOBODY understands me.  I feel that nobody understands my reactions.  I feel like nobody understands what it feels like to be me, to live with this UNCONTROLLABLE brain of mine, to live with constant self-doubt, to feel like you can't sustain a relationship (friendship or otherwise);to feel like you are a burden to everyone, to feel almost paralyzed at times because YOU don't even know how you feel. 

MY EMOTIONS CONTROL ME AND I HATE IT!!!!

My brain is "wired" differently than others which makes it even harder to try to explain to someone how I feel or why I do the things that I do.  What seems "normal" to me seems "out in left field" to many.  So, one thing I found is that when something is really, really eating at me or I blow up because something was said or done that upset me, I let my boyfriend know that I need to stop talking about it or that I need time alone and leave.  I then try to figure out why it bothered me so much and then try to think of something in the "normal" world that he would be able to relate to as to why I reacted the way that I did.  For example, he came home one time after I had cleaned the house and floors and everything really good one day and I had just put up the Easter decorations and he dragged in mud or something on his shoes and I got upset.  He thought I was overreacting and I went off on him.  I walked out and then later came back with this: I told him to imagine that he had a really big presentation at work and was up in front ready to start and someone spills coffee all over his notes and slides....That's how I felt at that moment.  With not working, it's like keeping the house clean is my "job" and I felt like I had put so much work into my "job" and then he just shit all over it and didn't care.  I know that's not the case, but that's how it made me FEEL!!!!  Key word there people, FEEL.  BPD is so much more complex than I even realized and I see that in my research and in myself as I learn more about it and about me.  I don't know if it is because I know more now than I did a few years back and am more aware of it or if it is because it is getting worse?? (Hoping it's just because I understand more, lol).

The more research I do, the more I "analyze" my reactions to any given situation and why I reacted in that way, the more I see how the emotional rollercoaster is constructed.  Pretty much everything that upsets me is a trigger to something that happened in my past.  (Triggers,  ahhh the constant, sometimes crippling, triggers - I will get to that topic in another post).

I react emotionally in the here and now to a situation based on how something in my past made me feel.  For example: Someone lies to me and I find out about it.  If that were to happen, I would totally go off!!!! I've been lied to and cheated on so many times in my life that I am at that point where I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT ANYMORE!!!  I am not going to be anybody's fucking doormat ANYMORE, EVER!!!!!  So, at this point and time I really don't give a shit what the "reason" is that you give me, you lied to me and therefore I would totally cut you out of my life.  Now, that probably seems over dramatic to most people, but to me it's just "normal".  And again that reaction also goes back to the Black and White thinking (all or nothing; all good or all bad - I have no in between switch).  Or if someone tells me to "just get over it" or "just move on" or "it's in the past, just let it go".  My response to that is, "Really, don't you think I would have already done that if that were AT ALL POSSIBLE for me???" - People just don't understand that I live with a volcano inside of me about ready to erupt at ANYTIME of the day for ANY reason (some of which I know and others I don't).  But I've noticed more and more that the "eruptions" always have a reason that ties to the way something along that line made me feel in my past.  Thus, basically it almost feels like I am living in the past right now because anything that happens in the here and now gets emotionally tied to my past.

I sometimes wonder if maybe that's why I can't remember my life.  I wonder sometimes if I am trying to "cut" that emotional rope to the past so that I don't have to have such a hard time dealing in the present. 

Maybe I can't get rid of all of the "emotional rope" because I've lived with this for so long that I wouldn't know how to survive without it.  If that's the case, it feels like that "emotional rope" is going to choke me to death at times.

It's hard to try to explain this disorder and my others because it is very complex, complicated, and misunderstood.  Thus, that makes me very complex, very complicated and very misunderstood.  Three things that people nowadays want nothing to do with.

I post articles, quotes, pics, etc. from time to time on my Facebook page about my BPD and PTSD and Depression, etc. and rarely ever get any response or likes.  If I do, it's usually about the

Depression because that is what is most known to people or is the one of the 3 that people have most likely experienced themselves.  I've been doing that for well over a  year now and STILL am waiting for the questions, the comments, the concern about the BPD and PTSD.  People don't want to know about things that are scary.  People don't want to know about "personality disorders" cause that automatically goes to I'm screwed up, crazy, dysfunctional, dangerous, mental, psycho, etc  And it's so sad, cause I'm NOT EVEN CLOSE to any of those things.  I AM SICK!!!!!  Say it with me people, DEBRA IS SICK!!!  Debra needs COMPASSION, Debra needs EMPATHY, Debra needs UNDERSTANDING, Debra needs CARING, Debra needs FORGIVENESS..Debra JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED!!!

I'M SICK.  I'm mentally ill, I'm physically ill...I think that's part of the problem is that people don't want to accept that.  I'm the one who has to live with myself and this daily rollercoaster, this daily feeling of worthlessness and emptiness, this daily feeling of feeling like a burden, this daily feeling of wishing I wasn't the on one on the outside looking in, this daily feeling of nobody understanding, this daily barrage of feelings that feel like monsters trying to claw their way out, this daily feeling of feeling like I am alone in this world of a gazillion people, this daily feeling of never ending thoughts, this daily feeling of constant mood changes, this daily feeling of having every minute of every day trying to control my emotions, work on my DBT, saying I'm sorry.....I can accept ALL of this in me, I may not like it (which actually I fucking HATE IT), but I can ACCEPT it. 

If I can accept my disorder and accept that I am sick (I may be sick, but I am still a functional human being), then why can't anyone else accept it? Why can't anyone else ask how they might be able to help me instead of just watching me drown?? I have a wonderful heart, I am intelligent, self-sufficient, caring, empathetic and would be there for anybody I loved (and even those I don't) to help if they needed help.  Why does it seem like that is just a one way street?  I just want to be understood.  I just want to be accepted  I just want to feel like for once in my life that I "fit in", that somebody cares. 

I am ME.  This is Me.  You are reading about MY life.  I have nothing to hide from anybody.  I will put it all out here on this blog.  Even though I know it will hurt me because I won't get the response that I hope for, I still do it.  I do it in the hopes that maybe somebody will read this and in some way, shape or form it might help them not to make the same mistakes I have made, or it will help them seek the help they need, or it will make maybe one other person in this world not feel as alone as I do.

Look to your loved ones people.  Look at the signs.  Keep an eye on them.  There are so many people suffering in silence in this day and age.  The suicide rate for people with BPD is 10%.!!!  And the more stigmatized the disorder is, the less people reach out to try to help or understand, the more that number is going to go up.  I've thought about it MANY times, even tried it a few times and I STILL think about it (first question the therapist always asked was about suicide). Just a little time, listening and at least TRYING to understand could help your loved one along, or even SAVE THEIR LIFE!!!!

STOP THE STIGMA!!!  

START THE UNDERSTANDING!!!