Does Anybody Understand?

 

 

I feel like NOBODY understands me.  I feel that nobody understands my reactions.  I feel like nobody understands what it feels like to be me, to live with this UNCONTROLLABLE brain of mine, to live with constant self-doubt, to feel like you can't sustain a relationship (friendship or otherwise);to feel like you are a burden to everyone, to feel almost paralyzed at times because YOU don't even know how you feel. 

MY EMOTIONS CONTROL ME AND I HATE IT!!!!

My brain is "wired" differently than others which makes it even harder to try to explain to someone how I feel or why I do the things that I do.  What seems "normal" to me seems "out in left field" to many.  So, one thing I found is that when something is really, really eating at me or I blow up because something was said or done that upset me, I let my boyfriend know that I need to stop talking about it or that I need time alone and leave.  I then try to figure out why it bothered me so much and then try to think of something in the "normal" world that he would be able to relate to as to why I reacted the way that I did.  For example, he came home one time after I had cleaned the house and floors and everything really good one day and I had just put up the Easter decorations and he dragged in mud or something on his shoes and I got upset.  He thought I was overreacting and I went off on him.  I walked out and then later came back with this: I told him to imagine that he had a really big presentation at work and was up in front ready to start and someone spills coffee all over his notes and slides....That's how I felt at that moment.  With not working, it's like keeping the house clean is my "job" and I felt like I had put so much work into my "job" and then he just shit all over it and didn't care.  I know that's not the case, but that's how it made me FEEL!!!!  Key word there people, FEEL.  BPD is so much more complex than I even realized and I see that in my research and in myself as I learn more about it and about me.  I don't know if it is because I know more now than I did a few years back and am more aware of it or if it is because it is getting worse?? (Hoping it's just because I understand more, lol).

The more research I do, the more I "analyze" my reactions to any given situation and why I reacted in that way, the more I see how the emotional rollercoaster is constructed.  Pretty much everything that upsets me is a trigger to something that happened in my past.  (Triggers,  ahhh the constant, sometimes crippling, triggers - I will get to that topic in another post).

I react emotionally in the here and now to a situation based on how something in my past made me feel.  For example: Someone lies to me and I find out about it.  If that were to happen, I would totally go off!!!! I've been lied to and cheated on so many times in my life that I am at that point where I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT ANYMORE!!!  I am not going to be anybody's fucking doormat ANYMORE, EVER!!!!!  So, at this point and time I really don't give a shit what the "reason" is that you give me, you lied to me and therefore I would totally cut you out of my life.  Now, that probably seems over dramatic to most people, but to me it's just "normal".  And again that reaction also goes back to the Black and White thinking (all or nothing; all good or all bad - I have no in between switch).  Or if someone tells me to "just get over it" or "just move on" or "it's in the past, just let it go".  My response to that is, "Really, don't you think I would have already done that if that were AT ALL POSSIBLE for me???" - People just don't understand that I live with a volcano inside of me about ready to erupt at ANYTIME of the day for ANY reason (some of which I know and others I don't).  But I've noticed more and more that the "eruptions" always have a reason that ties to the way something along that line made me feel in my past.  Thus, basically it almost feels like I am living in the past right now because anything that happens in the here and now gets emotionally tied to my past.

I sometimes wonder if maybe that's why I can't remember my life.  I wonder sometimes if I am trying to "cut" that emotional rope to the past so that I don't have to have such a hard time dealing in the present. 

Maybe I can't get rid of all of the "emotional rope" because I've lived with this for so long that I wouldn't know how to survive without it.  If that's the case, it feels like that "emotional rope" is going to choke me to death at times.

It's hard to try to explain this disorder and my others because it is very complex, complicated, and misunderstood.  Thus, that makes me very complex, very complicated and very misunderstood.  Three things that people nowadays want nothing to do with.

I post articles, quotes, pics, etc. from time to time on my Facebook page about my BPD and PTSD and Depression, etc. and rarely ever get any response or likes.  If I do, it's usually about the

Depression because that is what is most known to people or is the one of the 3 that people have most likely experienced themselves.  I've been doing that for well over a  year now and STILL am waiting for the questions, the comments, the concern about the BPD and PTSD.  People don't want to know about things that are scary.  People don't want to know about "personality disorders" cause that automatically goes to I'm screwed up, crazy, dysfunctional, dangerous, mental, psycho, etc  And it's so sad, cause I'm NOT EVEN CLOSE to any of those things.  I AM SICK!!!!!  Say it with me people, DEBRA IS SICK!!!  Debra needs COMPASSION, Debra needs EMPATHY, Debra needs UNDERSTANDING, Debra needs CARING, Debra needs FORGIVENESS..Debra JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED!!!

I'M SICK.  I'm mentally ill, I'm physically ill...I think that's part of the problem is that people don't want to accept that.  I'm the one who has to live with myself and this daily rollercoaster, this daily feeling of worthlessness and emptiness, this daily feeling of feeling like a burden, this daily feeling of wishing I wasn't the on one on the outside looking in, this daily feeling of nobody understanding, this daily barrage of feelings that feel like monsters trying to claw their way out, this daily feeling of feeling like I am alone in this world of a gazillion people, this daily feeling of never ending thoughts, this daily feeling of constant mood changes, this daily feeling of having every minute of every day trying to control my emotions, work on my DBT, saying I'm sorry.....I can accept ALL of this in me, I may not like it (which actually I fucking HATE IT), but I can ACCEPT it. 

If I can accept my disorder and accept that I am sick (I may be sick, but I am still a functional human being), then why can't anyone else accept it? Why can't anyone else ask how they might be able to help me instead of just watching me drown?? I have a wonderful heart, I am intelligent, self-sufficient, caring, empathetic and would be there for anybody I loved (and even those I don't) to help if they needed help.  Why does it seem like that is just a one way street?  I just want to be understood.  I just want to be accepted  I just want to feel like for once in my life that I "fit in", that somebody cares. 

I am ME.  This is Me.  You are reading about MY life.  I have nothing to hide from anybody.  I will put it all out here on this blog.  Even though I know it will hurt me because I won't get the response that I hope for, I still do it.  I do it in the hopes that maybe somebody will read this and in some way, shape or form it might help them not to make the same mistakes I have made, or it will help them seek the help they need, or it will make maybe one other person in this world not feel as alone as I do.

Look to your loved ones people.  Look at the signs.  Keep an eye on them.  There are so many people suffering in silence in this day and age.  The suicide rate for people with BPD is 10%.!!!  And the more stigmatized the disorder is, the less people reach out to try to help or understand, the more that number is going to go up.  I've thought about it MANY times, even tried it a few times and I STILL think about it (first question the therapist always asked was about suicide). Just a little time, listening and at least TRYING to understand could help your loved one along, or even SAVE THEIR LIFE!!!!

STOP THE STIGMA!!!  

START THE UNDERSTANDING!!!