Impulsivity/Coping

I have had/have most of the impulsive behaviors associated with BPD.  I started cutting when I was a teenager, I started drinking at 17 and eventually became an everyday alcoholic (I consider myself a recovering alcoholic, I still drink occasionally, but still have to watch myself so as to not overdo it especially because of my medications),

I've had promiscuity problems (they used me and I used them either for a place to sleep that night when I was homeless or just to feel wanted for a little bit), I've had gambling problems and at one point signed myself out of a casino many years ago.  I've had problems not just with drinking, but binge drinking and blacking out.

It's almost as if you become someone else.  I get to a certain point and I just can't stop.  Whether it be drinking or gambling or whatever, I know I shouldn't be doing what I am doing, but I do it anyways. 

It's the weirdest and the most crippling feeling at the same time.  The after effects suck ass though!!!  The money you lose, or the purse you lose, or sleeping with someone you don't know then being scared of pregnancy or diseases.  And you never want to do it again or go through it again, and yet, when you reach that same depression or anxiety point it starts all over again, the self-sabotage

I've had problems with binge eating and then binge eating in the middle of the night that I don't remember.  I would quit one impulsive behavior and then start another.  Little did I know at the time that these were my "coping" skills.  I thought I was weak.  I thought I was crazy.  I thought I was totally fucked up compared to everyone else.  I felt worthless.  I felt unwanted.  Many people just saw me as an alcoholic.  I have been accused of crying wolf.  The drinking and depression led to more than one suicide attempt.

I've made many calls to the suicide hot line during the night.  I've made many calls to family and/or friends who just through I was drunk.  Little did they or I know the cause of many of these impulsive behaviors.  I just wanted someone to listen.  I just wanted to not feel so lonely.  To not feel so alone.  To feel wanted.  To feel loved.  To feel like I mattered to someone, anyone.

I know I've made MANY mistakes in my life..  I've made many bad decisions, but I'm coming to realize that doesn't make me a bad person. I was never diagnosed with BPD until my late 30's.  I personally think I should have been diagnosed as a teenager. 

So, between those teenage years and my diagnosis I just thought that I was crazy, weak, stupid, careless, worthless when I became an alcoholic, when I couldn't stop gambling, when I was promiscuous, when I cut (never understood until a few years back why I did that so again I thought I was just "weird" for doing something like that), etc.  I never realized that those were coping techniques.  I never realized that my brain didn't think like other people.  I never realized that I was mentally "sick" and that there was a name for it besides "weak" or "crazy" or "weird". 

It may sound strange, because it doesn't change the fact that I still face those demons and struggle with impulsivity issues due to my BPD, but knowing that this disorder and my brain were causes of these struggles, it made it better.  I didn't feel weak anymore.  I didn't feel crazy anymore,

I didn't feel weird anymore. For quite awhile, I still felt worthless and stupid for continuing in those behaviors, but I have come to realize that those were (and partially still are) my coping techniques.  I've been using these techniques to cope for like 30 years and still struggle with them, but at least now I understand them, I understand why I do them and I can find tools through DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) to help me make fewer and fewer impulsive decisions. 

I'm not the only one who saw me as "weak" or "worthless" during these times.  Alcoholism runs in my family and at one point and time I became an functioning every day alcoholic.  I could put away a pint to fifth of rum a day easily.  I still worked, but I have always had a problem keeping jobs for long which I didn't understand is also a part of this disorder.  Besides my first job at 16 which lasted about 5 1/2 years, I never held a position for more than 3 years.  I should have been fired from most of them for attendance problems (the bad part of BPD),  but when I was at work, I WORKED!! 

I hated being bored.  I would get my work done and ask for more or find out who else I could help out.  I consider myself a very intelligent person.  I catch on quick and worked in the accounting field and still to this day have never taken an accounting course in my life, lol.  It was all on the job or self-taught.  I also asked a gazillion questions, lol, because that is one thing I notice is that I NEED (not just want) to understand things.  If I don't understand something, it will eat at me and bug me and continue to run through my mind until I can find/get and answer.  So, on the flip side, those GOOD TRAITS OF BPD actually were what saved my butt from losing my last three or four positions from the BAD traits of my BPD.

Speaking of the GOOD traits of BPD, I mentioned a few posts back that I was going to touch on that in the next post and "life" happened and I never got to it, lol. But, I will have a post coming soon regarding the GOOD side of BPD that those without BPD usually don't ever get to experience.

In the meantime, keep FIGHTING!!! Remember that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!  And you are NEVER alone (just send me a comment or PM!!) I don't have all the answers, but I ALWAYS, ALWAYS have an ear to listen 😀