Hypersensitivity

I've known since I was a kid that I was sensitive.  I never knew what the word Hypersensitive was, but I sure as hell do now!!! Many of my "reactions" seem over the top to people, they don't understand why I am getting so worked up about

something they may see as insignificant.  Well, the reason is that I am NOT overreacting, at least not to me.  My reactions are "Normal" to me..  My "Over the top" attitude is my "even".  For example, when I text someone and I do not receive a response back, I feel rejected, worthless, like I am not important.  I have un-friended people for just not answering back.

My brain knows that people are busy, that just because I did not receive a response does NOT mean that I am unimportant to that person.  If I use my counting/breathing skills and calm down and try to logically think about it, I can usually come up with good reasons why I received no response, the

problem comes is that even though I "logically" can put all of this together, "emotionally" it still makes me feel like shit.  Many, many things people say or do make me feel like shit that they don't even know.  I sometimes feel like I have a Volcano inside of me.  And when something happens that upsets me or gets my mind racing in ten million different directions at once, I keep trying to logically bring myself back down, but it's like my emotions have a mind of their own and if I don't say something it literally feels like my insides are going to explode!!!!

The problem is that if I do say something, "I'm sorry" usually seems to follow.

I hate saying I'm sorry all of the time because I hate unintentionally hurting those I love all of the time.  It is such a vicious cycle. 

Then there is the criticism.  Any, and I mean, even the smallest criticism can send me into a tailspin.  I view criticism as me not being good enough which goes into I'm not good enough for anything or anyone, then I'm worthless, I have no place here on this earth, why am I even here?  I SUCK!!!!  And

that is literally how my mind works.  It goes from the smallest criticism to I am scum of the earth in 1.2 seconds flat.  I am my own worst critic.  If I do something wrong, nobody and I mean NOBODY can make me feel as bad as MYSELF.  I will punish myself (internally or physically such as cutting) more than anyone else ever could.  So now I have a boyfriend who actually is very understanding, and very forgiving and I don't know how to react to that.  He can forgive me for my stupidity (that's how I see it), but I don't know how to forgive myself.  I often used to think that I was being punished for all of my sins when I was younger.  It took me many years to realize that is not the case.  I currently feel that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I feel like I am one of God's "Warriors".  I still have my meltdowns, I still have my impulsivity to deal with and SOOOOOOOO much still to learn, but I don't feel as though it is a life sentence anymore.  I'm finding out that the more I learn about BPD and my other physical and mental illnesses, the easier it is to accept my actions and reactions, the easier it is to explain to someone who I TRULY am and the easier it is to come out in public with this information about myself and these disorders. 

However, even though I am blogging about my life, my disorders, etc., it does not mean that I have control over my emotions yet.  I have a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) book and workbook that I am starting to work on.  Thus, I still am unstable and am a BIG work in progress.  I'm not saying I need to be handled with "kid gloves", however, I need those close to me to understand that I am Hypersenstitive and to take that into consideration when interacting with me. Also, it's not just the criticism (which also leads to a fear of rejection and abandonment), but I/we with BPD are also more

in tune to people's movements, facial expressions, etc.  For example, If I  see someone roll their eyes while talking to me, I see that as rejection, like what I am talking about is all just a bunch of crap and is not important!! I get that a lot when trying to explain to someone  that I can not always help my reaction(s); that my reaction may be one of passion (fueled by Black and White thinking) when a Non-BPD wouldn't react with that sort of emotion. 

It also goes back to the Black and White thinking of those with BPD.  Everything is either all Good or all Bad.  I/we either totally love and care about
you or I could care less whether you lived or died (again, I don't know what "grey: is).  We just want to be accepted.  We want to feel like we fit in somewhere, ANYWHERE!!!  I'm still searching for that place in my life.  But even though I have not found it yet, I do have to say that coming out about my disorder and talking about it, researching it, sharing my information with some friends and family has helped bring a few of us closer.  Closer to each other, closer to understating my past, understanding my past actions and reactions and closer in the here and now as more people start to educate themselves and ask questions about my BPD.

So, even though I/we are a work in progress, baby steps are the key.  Baby steps along with ALOT of Self-Love and Self-Care.  Understanding as much as you can about this disorder, even without therapy, has helped me so much in the few people that I truly let into my life.  DON'T GIVE UP!!! There is HOPE!! It may be a long journey, but you are not alone and if you can bring yourself to even open up to just ONE person who is receptive, it truly can help change your way of thinking about the disorder and about yourself. 

LOVE YOURSELF!!! 

YOU ARE SPECIAL!!! 

YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT!!!!