Oranges

If you were to say the word "oranges" to me and that's it, this is what would happen in my mind: Oranges lead to Cuties leads to Do we have any left? leads to Do I need to get any at the store? leads to Shopping List leads to What do we have for dinner today? leads to Do I feel okay enough to eat? leads to Did I take my medication today? leads to What time is it? leads to What did I accomplish so far today? leads to What do I still need to do? leads to Shit, what was I trying to remember? leads to What were we talking about again? leads to..........And all of that went through my mind probably in less than thirty seconds!!! This is how my brain works ALL day, EVERY day!!!! It's just random thought to random thought to random thought.  My boyfriend looks at me and shakes his head half the time and asks, "Where the hell did that come from?" because I just said something evidently totally out of left field from our conversation, but to me it makes sense because that is how I am used to my brain working. 

However, it sucks ass too because I have yet to be able to find the "OFF" switch.  The "ON" switch to my brain is ALWAYS turned on and it's like they added Energizer batteries and Steroids to it case it is so AMPED up and it keeps going and going and going and going.....And that goes for thoughts as well as feelings...

There are times like Friday when I was having a particular rough afternoon and I came home and told my boyfriend that I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, " I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!! JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

We had just found out that his father had passed away that morning.  I wanted to be there for him, but the shit that went through my mind turned it all back to me and that I was going to be left out and feel isolated again.  Really??? And then not knowing the plans and when things were going to happen filled me with anxiety because that could change the plans for the week that we already had in place.  Yes, change is NOT a good thing for someone suffering from BPD.  Change just sends me into a tailspin, that and NOT KNOWING something, whether it be plans, plans changing at the last minute, actually anything.  If I ask a question and I can't get an answer good enough to where I understand it, it just eats at me like frickin' acid!!!! So, I felt like a total asshole because my damn EMOTIONS took over to shit that would seem totally "insignificant" to a "normal" person looking in from the outside.  My boyfriend understood (thank GOD he has a TON of patience ;) Thank you sweetie :-) ) but anyone else who did not understand the situation would think I was probably being petty and self-centered, but that was about as far from the case as you can get.  And the thing is, I CAN"T STOP IT!!!

Yes, through therapy I can learn to control it, but that takes time, ALOT of time and the fact that I have PTSD and Depression along with BPD makes it that much more difficult to get through because there are specific treatments for BPD and PTSD and of course, they are not the same.  And as for my BPD, regular Cognitive Therapy doesn't do a damn thing for it.  I've seen many different counselors and not one of them has truly helped me with overcoming my past (shit, they don't even have me talk about it!!) or even delving into it and just "talking" doesn't do the trick.  I know I need DBT therapy, but there are no DBT groups near where I live that I would either qualify for or could afford.  And then it's trying to find a counselor who wants to deal with someone with BPD.  Due to the so called "manipulative" nature of people with BPD (which is BULLSHIT) and the emotional outbursts, etc. there are many therapists/counselors out there that don't want to/can't deal with patients with BPD. 

So, on top of having problems finding a therapist (which I currently don't have), my problems with regular Doctors still remains.  Trying to find a doctor who will "accept" you as a patient is hard for me to do also due to my LONG ass list of problems and the words "Chronic Pain". I even put my application into a clinic once that was run by NUNS and got denied!! (LOL....you begin to wonder after that if anybody wants to help you, lol).  And the words "chronic pain" normally equals "pill popper" to a doctor.  I went in to a Gasteroenterologist for my results of my colonoscopy and upper endoscopy once and my PCP (Primary Care Doctor) office had just up and closed out of nowhere so I was left with no way to get my prescriptions refilled until I could find a new one.  So, I asked the Gastro doc if he could refill two of my prescriptions that dealt with my stomach and my nausea.  Before I could even get out what the prescriptions were and what they were for, he stopped me in my tracks and said "I'm not giving you any pain medications".

Well, guess what?? I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY!!!  He's not the first doctor to make this assumption and I'm sure he won't  be the last, but it's pretty damn invalidating to someone like myself with BPD to hear that, making me feel so bad about myself that I almost didn't even ask for the other prescriptions that I needed.

So, as you can see, this post began with just the word "oranges" and this is where it ended up. It kind of reminds me of that commercial, "This is your brain; This is your brain on drugs" with the egg and fried egg.  Well, my brain would be the egg and the part of "This is your brain on BPD" would be the egg exploding in the microwave!!! (I thought of this because my boyfriend actually did have an egg explode in the microwave recently, lol)

But no matter what my "brain" is doing at any given moment, the truth is that at any given moment, people (myself included) need to realize that "I am doing the best that I can".  It's small (miniscule at times) baby steps forward (and some giant steps back), but every step forward, no matter how small, is a SIGNIFICANT step!!  Any step forward, any crawl forward, any inch forward that I make is that much closer I am to understanding, it's that much closer I am to self-discovery, it's that much closer I am to being able to explain myself and this disorder to people, it's that much closer I am to recovery.  My road may be longer than others and have more twists and turns and backtracking, but it's MY road and along that road of ruts and ditches, there is also BEAUTY and PASSION and LOVE!!!

DON'T STOP WALKING MY FRIENDS!!