The Good, The Better and The Hopeful

As you have noticed, many of my posts deal with the shitty side of BPD and I tell those stories not to scare anyone, but to give those without BPD a truer sense of the hell that we go through on a daily basis and to give those with BPD someone/something to relate to.  I used to feel like I was the only person in the world with this disorder, but once I could get past all of the negativity on the Internet about it, I found Facebook groups and other online groups that finally made me feel not so alone.

Now, you are probably wondering what the GOOD side could be to this disorder?  Well, actually there are a few.  Those with BPD tend to have more empathy and compassion (at least I see that I do) towards others with mental illnesses because we understand more than those who have not experienced any of them.  I Love like crazy!!! 

When I care about someone, I would go to the ends of the earth for them!!!!  I just want to see everyone that I love HAPPY!!!!  Part of it is because I don't want to see anyone that I love have to deal with what I have in my life; I don't want to see any of them have to deal with cutting or suicidal thoughts or fitting in or being so freakin hypersensitive or depression or any type of hurt at all.  When I care, I care deeply and with all of my heart plus.  That actually is a wonderful side to my BPD😀💗💗😀

Another GOOD trait of BPD (at least for me) was the constant need for perfection, organization, non clutter, non-boredom, the need to understand, etc which saved my ass in my last few jobs because my attendance sucked ass due to my alcoholism, PTSD, BPD and Depression.  But, when I was actually work, I worked my ass off!!! 

I asked lots of questions, took lots of notes, always wanted to learn more, hated to be bored, wanted to make sure things were done properly, always asked for more work if mine was finished or asked to help out someone else.  I HATED to be bored at work, it would drive me nuts.  And I like to be challenged.  Those qualities really did save my ass on more than one occasion.

My two year old (inside of me 😜, lol) makes me laugh, smile, makes my boyfriend shake his head constantly at me, lol, and it is also a way for me to cope.  The child-like aspect (which I will discuss in a future post) of BPD can be bad as far as the tantrums, but can be good as it brings innocence back to a person whose life has been disrupted by everything that is as far from innocent as you can get.  I see it more now, as I understand my disorder and myself more, as a coping mechanism.  When I am in one of my "tailspins", I tend to revert back to childish things to make myself laugh, to diffuse the situation, to make my boyfriend laugh and sometimes it truly is to seek the comfort, attention, love that I crave now and missed out on growing up. 

Don't get me wrong, I know that my parents and step-parents love(d) me (I used past tense because my Dad and my Step-dad have both passed away), but I sure didn't make things easy on them either.  (Just an FYI: I also have repressed (blocked out) much of my childhood and early adult hood, so if I don't speak much of particular instances from back then, that is because my "detailed" memory of that is very sketchy or non-existent, just feelings, brief memories, etc.).

Passion. Those with BPD tend to be extremely passionate about those things/people that matter to them.  When I see someone hurting or getting hurt by others, I am overly passionate at times about voicing how I feel about that situation and try to figure out how I can help. 

I want to donate money to all the Go Fund Me accounts for those in need (but I restrain because I also need to eat 🍕🍔🍩😋😋, lol), I want to help with fundraisers, I want to be there for any one (stranger or friend) who is having a hard time.  I notice that I have been reaching out ALOT more to people (whether they be friends, acquaintances or strangers) on-line when I see a post where they are hurting.

I also get passionate about things I like to do.  When I get excited about a project, whether it be working on a scrapbook for someone, writing (such as this blog or other articles), making baskets (I used to make gift baskets for craft shows and also for a consignment shop), bowling, (I miss bowling so damn much), re-decorating, holidays (OMG, I am the ULTIMATE 2 year old at Xmas 🎄🎅, my favorite holiday thanks to my Dad 😍), birthdays, etc. I am sometimes consumed by it.  But, that's also what gets me EXCITED!!!!  That inner child comes out and I just can't contain my excitement!!!!

(The flip side to that is that I also get extremely let down after holidays, the project is done, gifts are given, etc. because I don't get the reaction I hope for because people without BPD don't FEEL the excitement at the level that I do, thus they don't respond at the level that I hope for).

I consider myself to be very creative (as I believe quite a few with this disorder are), intelligent (I have a rain-man like quality in quick responses and song lyrics), I possess alot of common sense (although many would wonder at times, lol), I can carry on a conversation (although I notice that I do tend to get more defensive nowadays..I'll have to add that to my "work in progress" list 😉), spontaneous (the BPD impulsive behaviors tend to make me spontaneous and adventurous...That's where I need to slow my roll and think about things a little more first, but sometimes that spontaneity is what is needed, lol).

Just by first glance or talking with me, you would think that I was just like anybody else.  That is, until that one word or gesture reared it's ugly head and the over analyzing starts and the rollercoaster begins again!!!!   But, that is what I am working on.  Mindfulness, "slowing my roll"....It's hard, harder than people think.  It's an everyday, every hour, every minute process.  It's mentally and physically draining, but it is going to be soooooooooo worth it!!!!  Every baby step, every victory (no matter how small) should be celebrated 🎉🎊🎈!! 

The ability to forgive can be a great force in recovery.  Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes (something I am getting a little better at) takes off so much of the pressure, so much of the guilt and is a great stepping board forward.

It's hard, it takes time and it takes ALOT of self-love, but it's doable.  I never thought I would get there, but it's coming along better than I thought in that area.  We all make mistakes, not one person in the world hasn't made one.  We forgive others for their mistakes, it's time to forgive ourselves for them too.  Love yourself!!! Embrace your inner child!!!  Laugh, joke, have fun!!! Embrace the "quirks" of this disorder.  We may have it "darker" than most, but we also get to see things "brighter" and feel the good things more deeply than most and we need to embrace this more!!!

Let your Inner Child Shine!!!!!   🌞😎🌞