The "LIST"

As I said in my profile, I also suffer from a host of other disorders besides BPD that I tend to refer to as The LIST.  I think it is important to know what other issues I have to deal with on a daily basis and the co-occurring conditions I have along with my BPD to understand that I am not trying to fight just one demon, but a host of monsters inside of my head and body.  So, here it is as best I can recall:

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent, severe (MDD)
• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
• Fibromyalgia (Fibro)
• Chronic Back Pain (2 back surgeries with the 2nd being a failed spinal fusion)
• Chronic Neck Pain (currently working on diagnosis)
• Trigeminal Neuralgia (TN)
• Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) (with diarrhea and constipation)
• Spontaneous Nausea and Vomiting 
• Chronic Inflammation
• Rheumatoid Arthritis (currently waiting on confirmation or diagnosis of other)
• Insomnia (currently in the process of getting put on Oxygen while I sleep)
• Panic/Anxiety Attacks
• 24 hour constant hot flashes
• Nightmares 
• Edema of feet, ankles, calves, hands, etc.
• Incontinence
• Acid Reflux/GERDS
• Full Dentures (currently have no bottom dentures)
• Chronic Fatigue/Exhaustion
• Asthma/Chronic Bronchitis
• Bi-Focals
• Tendonitis
• Anxiety - LOTS and LOTS of Anxiety!!!!
• Uterine Fibroids 
• On Antibiotics as needed for Stress Related Infections
• Thyroid Nodules (I get those checked once a year for growth)
• Hemangiomas (Supposedly 1 on liver and 1 on neck)
• Foot Problems (currently being diagnosed through a Podiatrist)
• Low Self-Esteem/Self-Image Issues/HYPERSENSITIVITY!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, there is the list of Doctors I have to see: My Primary Care Doctor (PCP), Rheumatologist, Podiatrist, Gastroenterologist, Allergist, Thyroid Doctor, Therapist, Physical Therapist, Cardiologist, Neurologist, Pain Clinic, etc, etc, etc.  I don't see all of these specialists, I can't!!! With my situation I have no car, so to get to appointments I need to borrow my boyfriend's car, take him to work (1/2 hour away) then to appointments (1/2 hour to an hour away) and then hang out all day till I have to pick him up again and then drive another half hour home!!! And I am supposed to be in physical therapy three days a week and counseling once a week along with all of the other appointments and tests, OMG, THE TESTS!!!! Blood work up the Ying Yang, MRI's, CT Scans, X-Rays, sleep labs, etc, etc, etc.   Then add in the medications.  Holy Freaking Crap!!!! I am NOT on all of the medications that I am supposed to be on, but at last count I currently have FIFTEEN, yes that's right, 15, One Five,  different ones I am taking....WTF?????

My last few doctors can't believe that I still still have a liver (lol) between being a recovering every day alcoholic combined with all the meds and how many years I have been taking them!!! (It must be my I Dream of Jeannie magical hair flip!!! 😂😀😂). Seriously though, I hate having all the doctors and all meds and appointments and tests...It's so incredibly draining that at times I have to take a break from all of them.

Some people give me crap about being on Disability and how they wish they could stay home all day and do nothing. Well, let me tell you this, I would give ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to be able to go back to work, to feel normal, to not have to go through what I do day in and day out. I don't sit home and eat freaking bon bons all day, I have phone calls and paperwork and appointments and tests and trying to remember when to take my meds and what to take and getting meds refilled and insurance problems and paying bills and, and, and.....My life is by NO means a freaking sunshine filled day in the park!!!!!!

Then there are the days where the pain or depression is so bad that just taking my meds or trying to get dressed or take a shower are about my biggest accomplishments of the day and sometimes, those are REALLY BIG accomplishments!!! When the depression is too great or the humidity is high and have a bad Fibro day just getting out of bed is an accomplishment.  Then there are the days that I push myself when I feel half way decent and that night and the next day I suffer IMMENSELY!!!! It's just so incredibly hard because I never know from one minute to the next what my mind is going to

do to me, let alone my physical body.  My stomach can go at any time (I always need to have access to a bathroom) or my mood can change in the blink of an eye.  I can go to bed feeling okay and wake up and not be able to hardly move.  I never know when my ankle is going to give out on me or when my leg is going to swell up while I am out doing something.  I never know when I am going to get nauseated and vomit all over the place.  I never know if I am going to wake up and everything is going to be swollen or I am actually going to be able to put my rings on that morning.  I never know if I will be able to take a shower, holy moly, taking a shower is a damn ass chore!!! It takes so much out of me and then my hair is so long right now that I have to take a break before and after I brush it.  I can't stand or sit for long periods of time so when I try to do chores it's always in "shifts".  I work for 10-20 minutes or so and then have to sit down or lay down because I can't take the pain in my back anymore.  I have to lean over the sink to be able to get the dishes done if I don't want to do those in "shifts".  Plans with me in them are ALWAYS up in the air because cancelling or leaving early is a trademark of mine.  This, in turn, causes problems sustaining friendships and relationships due to cancelling and changing of plans all of the time.  (This is just the tip of the iceberg on the issue of trying to sustain any type of relationship).

Basically, I feel like my name should be Question Mark.  I never know how I am going to feel or react or just be from minute to minute.  Most people can figure it out from day to day, but I don't have that luxury. 

However, there is also the "flip" side to BPD, the "white" part of our black and white thinking.  My next post will touch on the "Good" side of BPD as we need to have more information out there about the "Good" side that "Normal" people don't have the luxury of experiencing.  Yes, that's right people, I actually said that THERE IS A GOOD SIDE TO BPD!!! 🙌🙌🙌  I wish I would have seen more of that side on the Internet when I was first diagnosed and researching this disorder. 

So, on that note, I am going to go and try to enjoy this freezing cold, yet sunny, day that is upon us 🌞😎🌞 I hope you have a wonderful weekend and if you are struggling with BPD or depression or anything else, please remember, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!